It's a chilly, wet day today. My children were hoping for a "snow day" or at the very least a school delay. They were a bit disappointed the weather did not cooperate but grateful that it's Friday! It's been a long week for all of us. The days seem to drag on. I wondered if Friday would ever arrive.

We have a lot happening in our family right now. We are house hunting - searching for the perfect home on an acre lot. This is proving very problematic as there is not a lot of inventory in our price range. We are busy with our kids activities and school. I started grad school last semester and my brain is proving to be a little slower than it used to be! My husband is busy with his job and travels here and there. Thankfully, it's not very often or I might go insane! We are busy with our church group and finding time to bond as a family. Nothing out of the ordinary from any other family but it makes me wonder how other people seem to handle the chaos with such finesse.

My latest struggle is house cleaning. It's amazing how quickly the house becomes a dump and I can spend hours and hours cleaning to have it messed up in 20 minutes flat! We finally hired a cleaning service this past week to do a detailed clean of the entire house. It smelled so good when we came home and it shined. Honestly, I keep a pretty clean house since my kids call me the annoying neat freak but it sure was nice to have the little things done for me such as the baseboards, nooks & crannies, the blinds, etc. It really made me happy to have someone clean my house.

Today has turned out to be much better than I anticipated. My oldest got ready for school in plenty of time and was out the door without any major attitude mishaps. My youngest was ready way before I was and we had a nice little drive to school where she sang all her favorite songs on the way. She had me laughing out loud with her craziness and it got me thinking how much I have to be grateful for.

Today I'm doing my best to focus what I have to be grateful for:

Lord,
I am so grateful for the children you have given me.
I am so grateful you gave them very unique and opposite personalities. I enjoy both them very much!
I am so grateful for realizing the enjoyment of the small things.
I am so grateful for someone cleaning my home.
I am so grateful for morning songs and chats.
I am so grateful for another day to hopefully get right what I got wrong yesterday.

It's been a long time...

Wow, a lot of time has past since I last wrote a post. 2009 ended up being a very difficult year and I found myself living in the pit instead of living in the light. I really had no desire to write about my struggles and I felt like everything coming out of my brain was pessimistic and foul. Nothing good was in there...nothing but anger, resentment and bitterness. Those three things have wrecked havoc on my mind and my soul. It's been a fierce battle and I've taken a lot of hits. I have been stubborn and unyielding in my behavior and I convinced myself that I had a right to be that way. I had become what I always said I would never be: The Victim.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry for staying in my marriage. I felt resentment toward my husband. I felt restless and unsettled and worst of all I felt lost and insignificant. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God unless I was venting about how angry I was at Him. I basically gave up trying and settled for being empty.

Thankfully, I made it to the end of the year and God didn't give up on me. He gave me several close friends who prayed for me and encouraged me by who they are. He let me wallow in my self pity as He patiently waited for me to run out of steam. Then, He gently and compassionately picked me up and wiped my tears.

I'm still trying to figure out my life and I'm slowly working out the pain. The one thing I have figured out is God is always with me and He loves me in spite of my shortcomings and my mental breakdowns. He is my one constant and He is gently and slowly showing me the path using a small lamp at my feet. I can't see very far in front of me but I think that is exactly the lesson He wants me to learn. I am not in control but He is. I don't need to know all that is up ahead of me. I just need to know that He is leading me and I am to follow. Thankfully, that is enough...

My husband has been doing all the right things. I know my emotional roller coaster has not been easy for him either. He has done his best to be supportive, attentive, transparent and honest. This past year has not been about him and his past even though I have tried to make it about that. It all boils down to ME and how I choose to behave. I was in limbo struggling with accepting the past and being able to move forward toward the future with positivity and purpose - believing that my marriage is real and true.

2010 is a new year and a new start. I like new beginnings because I can walk away from the past knowing it happened but I don't have to stay there. Living in the present is so much better. Becoming vulnerable again and learning to love again is what I need to work on. I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions but I am looking forward to a new start.