Proverbs 31 Woman

I have been doing a 31 day challenge to read Proverbs chapter 31 everyday for 31 days. This challenge is presented by Nancy Leigh DeMoss at http://www.reviveourhearts.com/. Each day, her website emails me a new discussion as we work through the verses of Proverbs 31. It is so good and so appropriate for healing my marriage and showing me the areas I need to work on.

It is too easy to get in the mindset of retribution - meaning my husband has to constantly be punished and make amends for what he has done. This line of thinking is completely wrong and unbiblical. I have said it before and will say it again, just because my husband has sinned does not give me the right to sin in response to his actions. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and responses daily.

One thing I have learned and felt very convicted about is Proverbs 31:12 "She brings him good and not evil all the days of her life." One of the themes discussed by Nancy Leigh DeMoss is that this verse does not say, "She does him good and not evil as long as he does her good - as long as he is kind to her, as long as he remembers her birthdays and anniversaries, as long as he meets her needs". This reminded me that I am to do good to my husband regardless of how he responds to me. I am called to love him and serve him unconditionally and for his good. This does not mean I am to be a doormat or allow him to do things contrary to God's way but I am his helper and I am to be faithful & loyal in my commitment to him.

Some would be quick to point out that my husband broke his marriage vows to me not the other way around. My response to them is I can only focus on me and live my life according to God's standard to the best of my ability through the leading of the Holy Spirit. This is not something I can do on my own, but through Christ, I can overcome the hurt, anger and sadness. I honestly believe that if I do these things then it will only make my marriage stronger and make my husband an even better man.

The other area I felt conviction is regarding my commitment to my marriage. In this discussion, Nancy Leigh DeMoss asks a very important questions, "Have you totally eliminated the D-word, divorce, from your vocabulary?" The answer in my case is no. I tend to pull out this arsenal when I am feeling the deepest pain and emotions. She goes on to tell us that we cannot be a Proverbs 31 woman if divorce is still in our vocabulary. From this point on I am removing that word from my bag of weapons.

This has been a great challenge so far and it has encouraged me to focus on myself rather than on my husband. I am grateful for the things God is revealing to me so that I can grow and change according to His Will.

Take Back Our Marriages

It is time to take back our marriages! It is time to fight the good fight and restore what has been lost! It is time for radical changes in our marriages and in our personal life!

Everyday I hear about another marriage being torn apart by infidelity, abuse, addictions, selfishness, mid-life crisis, stupidity, anger, incompatibility and well, you get the picture. The trend seems to be an endless list of excuses of why this marriage cannot survive. Because we live in a self serving, all about me society, it's no wonder marriages are failing everywhere. No one is immune to the trend, especially Christians.

As a parent, I ask myself, what values and ideals am I teaching my children about marriage and about life. Am I demonstrating that marriage is a commitment for life? Am I teaching my children to honor their commitments with a happy heart regardless of their feelings? Am I teaching them through my actions to face their struggles head on and persevere or am I teaching them to give up when it seems easier? I believe radical change won't take place until we as parents start to live out our convictions and our beliefs and show our children what a Godly marriage is all about. It starts in our home and it's our duty to know God's Word and to live it out to the best of our ability.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all marriages can be saved. I do believe that God can restore the unimaginable and that He can make the impossible happen. Sometimes, for whatever reason, a marriage has no other option but to end. My point is that we as individuals need to do our part in honoring our commitment and living according to God's Word. Too often we twist and turn the Word of God to suit our needs and desires instead of changing our desires to align with God's Word. We need to be obedient regardless of our situation and regardless of how we feel.

I have been very convicted this weekend of giving in to my emotions and distress instead of doing what I know is right in God's eyes. I have to release these emotions to God and stop dwelling on the negative over and over again. It is a vicious cycle and it needs to stop. I hope you are convicted and committed to obedience every time. God will bless those who are obedient.

Romans 5:19 NET "For just as through the disobedience of the one man many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of one man many will be made righteous."

Emotional Explosions

Well, my emotions have taken control this week. I'm not sure where or when the breakdown occurred but all I know is that for the past couple of weeks I have slowly allowed myself to lesson the hold on my emotions. At first, I'm not even aware this is happening but each day, little by little, my emotions start to seep out. Honestly, what's the big deal? So what if I'm feeling a bit emotional? After all I have been through this past year and half, don't I have a right to feel sad, angry, betrayed, disgusted, annoyed, bitter, resentful, hateful.... do you see the pattern...once my emotions are without restraint, the longer the list, the harder to handle, the easier to justify my own sinful actions.

I keep hearing the soft, gentle voice of my beloved Father, who constantly reminds me to be gentle in spirit, forgiving and merciful - to tame my tongue and to focus on that which is true & noble. Lord, how difficult it is to surrender to you instead of to my own selfish desires! Do I really feel better after giving my husband a tongue lashing? Am I really entitled to an emotional explosion whenever I "feel" like it? The answer of course is NO!

I wish I had an emotional remote control where I could mute my emotions so others couldn't hear it or I could adjust the "color" of my emotions to a more healthy outlet, or when it gets really ugly, I could just turn it off. Thankfully, I know in my heart that God is pruning me and changing me from the inside out. No matter what has happened to me or what I have experienced, it does not give me the "right" to unleash an emotional beast. God has called me and every Christian to a much higher standard whether we feel like participating or not. As women, we tend to be emotional and if we are not careful these emotions will cause us to sin. In the mist of our emotional explosions we not only hurt ourselves but everyone around us as well. Do I really want to be known as an emotional bomb waiting to detonate? Is this the best example of Christ I have for my children and my husband?

I have discovered this week that pride plays a big part in my emotional outbursts. My pride is wounded and for some reason it has decided to fester and ooze big time this week. I know the ointment and cure is the Word of God. I need to lay my pride at the feet of Jesus.

Living Life

Sometimes I feel so inadequate in everything I do. I guess it's kind of normal to feel this way and what I'm discovering is that more and more people I talk to have the same insecurities and feelings that I have. I don't know why I tend to think everyone else is more confident and secure in who they are and where they are. The reality is that most of us struggle with feelings of self doubt or insecurities and it's basically pointless to compare myself to anyone else.

As I float down this river of life I ponder what's around the bend. Will it be calm waters or roaring rapids? Will I be afraid or will I be exhilarated by the challenges up ahead? Will the waters be cold and invigorating or warm and comforting? I picture myself paddling down the river of life, smiling that I'm no longer where I was, eager to know where I'm going but content with where I am.

If I take it a step further, I want to be that girl who jumps in without hesitation, who tries new things without worry, and who trusts that the journey is more important than the destination. Live life to the fullest. Experience new things. Enjoy the life God gave me.

All is well...

My husband has officially been without a job for about a month now. He was one of the many laid off at the end of Feb. I'm kind of getting used to him being home and taking care of the little things. He does a great job purposefully planning his day and diligently looking for work. He has been able to spend a lot of time with our girls and they absolutely love it!

I've been worried about how I would handle him being home every day by himself. Thankfully, he tries hard to keep me posted on his agenda and he is easily accessible via phone. He has had to take a couple of pictures and email to me on the spur of the moment just to ensure he's doing what he says he is. Overall, this hiatus has been a welcomed event since he has worked long, crazy hours for as long as I can remember. I am eager for him to find a great job but I'm enjoying the transition in the meantime.

Things are fairly calm around our home and for that I am extremely grateful. I pray regularly that God will continue to strengthen our marriage and to transform our hearts. I pray for a hedge of protection around my husband and that he will continue to mature in his faith and lead our family. God has done so many amazing things in both of our lives.

Godly Focus

I am doing a Bible Study on the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I read this book several years ago in another Bible study so it's very interesting to read the answers I wrote back then compared to where I am today. Our group met last night and I have to express my heavy heart. Satan is at full work doing his best to destroy our marriages and destroy our faith in Jesus. I am concerned that even though we call ourselves Christians and try to follow Christ, our thoughts are not aligned with His.

After meeting last night I felt very convicted for not stopping some of the "husband bashing" and reminding all of us of what the Bible says and what Jesus calls us to do. We are not to conform to the thinking of this world but are to be set apart as aliens in this world. Yes, our marriage or situation may not be ideal but God is in control and never allows anything to happen in which He is not aware. In the midst of trials we are to keep our focus on God and it is so important to devote time to reading the Bible and praying continuously. I was convicted of how easy it is to get off track and begin the "entitlement rage". The truth is life is not fair and marriage and life in general is a lot of work.

I've learned so much through this process with my husband and one of my greatest struggles is accepting the past for what it is and choosing to move forward and heal. Some days I'm very good at doing this and other days I fall short. Every time I start to waiver, it's almost always because I'm not connecting or meeting with God. For some people this would seem silly or oversimplified but it's the truth. When we sever our connection with God (or throw a lot of static on the line) we tend to lose our focus and begin the "What if" or the "Poor me" game. We begin to focus on everyone else's faults instead of looking inward to our attitudes, our thoughts and our responses.

God can heal us if we surrender to Him. God will never allow our troubles to go to waste. It's important to look inward to discover what God wants to do in our hearts. He is always working and we can choose to participate willingly or choose to rebel and sit on the sidelines. Trust God to bring you through this and I promise, He will not let you down. You'll be amazed at the works of His hand.

Little Blessings

It's been a while since I've posted anything so I thought I better get on the ball. I had a great week last week. The girls were on spring break and my husband's brother's family was in town for a visit. It was so good to see them. The timing was perfect since our girls were out of school and were able to spend a lot of good quality time with their cousins. They left on Thurs and my youngest is still sad they had to leave. I thoroughly enjoyed our visit and I know my hubby did too!

It was funny because we had 9 people at our house for just under a week and then Thurs morning 5 left to go back to Indiana and then my husband left to go on a golf trip. My oldest daughter ended up going to the lake with a friend so it left just me and my youngest to come home to a very quiet house Thurs evening! It was very strange to have just the two of us and no one else.

I have to confess, I was not overly excited about my husband going on this golf trip. It's an annual event but he has not attended for a couple of years. This is the first time we have been apart since I found out. He used to act out when he was away from his family so this is truly a test for both of us. Anyway, I am doing surprisingly well the last few days. I started to have some anxiety Thurs night but I pulled myself together.

I talked to my husband Friday afternoon and he didn't sound very good. I asked if he was coming down with a cold and he told me no but he had something to tell me. At that moment, I felt sick to my stomach. Then, he told me, he had lost his wedding ring! He normally puts it in his wallet and then in his golf bag. Somehow, it must have fallen out when he bought lunch or snacks and so far, he has not been able to find it. He was very upset and was very nervous about telling me. It seems so ironic and funny that he would lose his wedding ring on his first trip away from me. I'm upset that he lost it for sentimental reasons but I'm not upset with him. I think this is a big step for me and I appreciate his honestly. I pray he finds it or someone turns it in at the golf course. It's a beautiful ring that we had custom made and there is no way to replace it.

I told my mom what had happened and she said, "Well, look at the positive, at least you still have your husband and it was just a ring that was lost. It could have been something much worse." You know what, she is so right. I am lucky and blessed to be where I am and I look forward to my husband's return.

The Tough Questions

We humm through life thinking about ourselves and not giving much thought to others. Our focus in inward instead of outward. Our focus is temporal instead of eternal. These are the thoughts in my mind today. Wondering what it means to live this life to the fullest. It seems so simple yet it's so difficult to grasp. Why am I here Lord? Why did you create us knowing we would fail? Why do you allow such horrible things to happen? What is my purpose and how are we all significant? Why do I have so many questions?

Everywhere I look I see such sorrow and heartache. The unexpected death of a loved one. The unmistakable diagnosis of cancer. The addiction to alcohol & drugs. The obsession of sex. The betrayal of trust. The loss of a job. I could go on and on listing the sorrows and troubles of this world one right after the other. How do we really deal with the tough things. Do we mask our pain by not thinking about it or by laughing about it or by covering it up with other emotions or behaviors. Do we simply convince ourselves of a new reality, telling ourselves it's not that bad, things will get better, or it could be worse, or whatever. What do we do with the pain, the fear, the uncertainties, the doubt? How do we deal with life?

These are the big questions on my mind today. It's not that I'm feeling down or depressed but I simply wonder what this life is really all about. We have all of this stuff in the world and for me it clutters my mind and confines my thoughts to one thing - ME. If I'm avalanched in then I know others are too. This makes me realize we are exactly where Satan wants us to be. Covered up by our stuff and our to-do lists and smothered by the things of this world. I'm afraid to open the door for fear it will all come crashing down. So where does that leave us and how do we find a way out?

I've been reading this great book by Charles Swindoll called, Getting Through the Tough Stuff. He addresses so many topics and struggles pertinent to today. I came across the section of Doubt. He addresses the question of is it ok to doubt and he answers that it is necessary. He states, " You must or you won't grow. You'll wind up learning someone else's answers, and in many cases they will be inadequate for your questions... if you're honest enough to ask them." He goes on to state that when something bad happens "Reality hits and a storm blows in and threatens their once tranquil existence. The emotional explosion results in more questions than answers. They discover things they didn't really know. They are in the vortex of dilemmas they cannot solve. At that point simplistic solutions are replaced with realistic reflections...and the deep things of God begin to emerge, eclipsing shallow answers."

All of this brings me right back to the cross. Right back to Jesus. Right back to the Creator. I am so thankful that God accepts me when I am struggling, when I doubt, when I am angry, when I am sad. He's already been there and He loves me anyway. He's waiting patiently for me to come to Him with all of my questions and all of my sorrows - to admit my pain, my fears, my doubts. Having faith does not mean I won't ever doubt. It means I recognize my limitations and I give it over to God. Oh, what He can do with just a mustard seed of faith!

Laughter Is Still The Best Medicine

When was the last time you laughed out loud? I don't mean a little tiny chuckle, I mean a blurt it out crazy kind of laugh? When was the last time you tossed all your worries to the side and just laughed? I used to think I possessed a pretty good sense of humor and I laughed regularly like anybody else until my marriage feel apart. It felt as if all the humor and fun was sucked right out of my body and all that was left was sadness and despair. It has taken quite a while to figure out how to start laughing again but humor has slowly crept back into my life. I realize now, it's ok to laugh and have fun even though my circumstances may stink. I can't think of a better way to cope with the pain than to throw a little laughter in its face.

I remember one day in particular I was having a tough time. I decided to jump on my spin bike and let out all of my aggression. Everyone says, exercise is the best medicine, right? As I was spinning I started to cry and all of these crazy emotions began filling me up with anger, sadness and bitterness. My head was down and I noticed out of the corner of my eye, my 7 year old daughter darting down the hall. When I glanced up, there she was, dressed as a rock star with a homemade cape, a guitar, a microphone and wet, wild hair as she had just hopped out of the shower. A fast beat song was blasting from my ipod and she put on a show I will never forget. This girl had moves I had never seen before. She was break dancing, jumping, strumming her guitar and before I knew it, I was laughing uncontrollably. You guessed it, the more I laughed the more outrageously she performed and oh, how I wish I had it on video. It would be the sweetest revenge for when she turns 16!

I still smile and chuckle when I think about her crazy performance. It was absolutely hilarious and exactly what I needed. It's amazing how God will use others to minister to us in profound and glorious ways. Don't be afraid to take time out from your pain and delight in the little things around you. God gives us great joy in small packages. It never fails when I am feeling down and out, all I have to do is stop and observe my girls. Before long, a smile emerges and laughter erupts from my lips -somehow the world becomes a much better place...

The Quietness of the Day

It's a beautiful day! Life is good, life is calm and life feels safe today. It's rare that I feel such joy and exhilaration like this. As I sit on my couch, looking out the window, I see all the beauty and wonder God has created. He doesn't want me to feel sad & depressed, He wants me to be filled with joy and peace.

Both of my children are occupied at the moment. My oldest is taking a nap trying to recover from a sleep over and my youngest is making her Grammy a birthday card. My husband is out and about running errands. He offered to wash my car and pick up a few items from the grocery store. It's nice to be able to take a moment and enjoy the quietness.

My eyes are getting heavy as I sit on the couch listening the the soft hum of the dryer. I know in a moment I'll be folding laundry but in the interim I'm allowing my mind to wonder to a good place. Oh, how sweet life must have been in the garden when Adam and Eve were first created. I bet the world looked magnificent and brilliant through their eyes filled with wonder and glory. I often speculate on what life would have been like if Adam and Eve would have chosen the better way and stood firm in what they knew was true instead of being deceived by the serpent. What would it have been like to walk with God in the garden - to see Him face to face and experience His presence without the obstacle of sin?

Oh, this leads me down the "if only" path - if only things were different, if only I had chosen the other way, if only I hadn't done that....if only. I bet Adam and Eve had those same thoughts and I bet they would have done anything to take it all back. Can you imagine how they must have felt when God chose to care for them even after they disobeyed? Things would never be as they were before, but God still loved them and He didn't abandoned them. The same is true today. God loves us and He gave us a way to walk with Him, meet with Him and to experience His presence through His son Jesus Christ. How often I take that sacrifice for granted when I don't make time for Him, when I choose to ignore Him, or when I do things my way instead of His way.

These thoughts lead me to my husband and remind me how important it is to mimic God's response by extending compassion and mercy. I know my husband wishes he could take it all back and erase what he has done. I know he would do anything to make it right and take away the pain. The ball is in my court now and it's up to me to decide. A wise man asked me on Friday what I planned to do with the knowledge that my husband passed the lie detector test. Will I choose to ignore it or will I choose to release the anger and the hurt? He guaranteed if I chose to release it that I would never once regret it.

Sitting here in the quietness of the day, I remember the first verse God lead me to after discovering my husband's infidelity. He lead me to 2 Corinthians 2:7 "Now instead you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." At the time, I didn't fully understand it but I tucked it in the back of my mind to ponder. Now, as God continues to heal my heart, it makes a lot of sense why He chose to reveal this truth to me at the beginning instead of later. He was preparing me for what is to come...

The Lie Detector Test

The last few days have been very stressful which was sparked by my decision to have my husband take a lie detector test. I have struggled with whether or not he has told me everything and whether or not he has been truthful. It's evident he has made lots of changes in his life and his attitude has gone from pure selfish desire to a servant's heart. I think in the back of my mind, I wondered how these changes could take place so readily and quickly without hesitation. I've heard many stories of trickle truth and false reconciliation that bring you to your knees in pain for these people. It's extremely rare for the wayward spouse to confess everything at once - which is exactly what my husband claimed to do. My soul was uneasy and I wanted additional confirmation he was telling the truth.

My husband scheduled the test for Thurs. at 2pm. I could tell he was nervous and worried about taking the test, though he claimed he wasn't worried about passing it. Come to find out, there was one thing bothering him. He couldn't remember if he had told me everything about how all of this started. As he's telling me this information, I felt relieved because I knew this already but unfortunately, there was one piece of information he omitted or downplayed significantly until now.

Looking at it objectively, this new information is nothing compared to the big picture and in itself is little compared to the rest, but in my mind, I couldn't reconcile the fact that he purposefully withheld this information. He claims he didn't remember this until after he had already confessed everything. Since a lot of time had passed before remembering, he struggled with whether or not to bring it up. He didn't want to hurt me further and this information would not change or increase what I already knew.

It's great and all that he would like to spare my feelings but the truth is he lied and he withheld information. I felt excrutiating pain and devastation all over again. I wondered why in the world I should stay with this man who continues to disappoint and crush my heart. What am I doing and how much more could I take?

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned never to make a decision when the emotions are running high, whether good or bad. Decisions must be made when thinking clearly and rationally. Last night I felt defeated and empty. I thought my marriage was over because I cannot stay married to a liar. So, today at 2pm he took the lie detector test. There were a lot of people praying for us today and I felt God's overwhelming peace as I waited for the test results.

I am relieved to announce he passed the test. I am grateful he agreed to take it and I am grateful for the outcome. This has been the hardest year and a half of my life and I pray we can finally move forward once again. God has given me and my husband a second chance and I am very thankful He has bestowed such compassion and mercy when we need it the most.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

The Next Hurdle

I started typing tonight and realized it was a bunch of garbage that was spewing from my mind and filling this computer screen. I was alllowing my emotions free reign over my computer and I didn't like what I had written one bit. The goal of my journaling is to track my progress and healing so that I can look back and see how far I've come. It is not to dwell on the negative or to live in the darkness. It's to continue moving forward, not backwards.

I've heard many times how important it is to have an attitude of gratitude and how life changing this simple switch in perception can alter one's life. I have become such a pessimist over the last year or so and it's driving me crazy. I don't want people to look at me or know me as the grumpy lady. I want people to look at me and be drawn to me for the positivity and joy that radiates from my heart.

We have a big hurdle to overcome this week and it's imperative for my healing. I have asked my husband to take a lie detector test so that I can begin trusting him again. He has agreed to take the test but he is disappointed in my decision to have him take it now. He feels this is a slap in the face and discounts all the changes and hard work he has done over the past year and a half. He is hurt that I still do not trust him even a tiny bit. The truth is, I really like this new man he has become. He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband but can I trust that it's real? Can I trust the changes are permanent and can I trust him again?

In my mind, I have decided if he passes the lie detector test then I will slowly begin to trust him again. I know it sounds crazy but I'm a realist and I need evidence of his truthfulness. Right now, this test seems to be the only way to obtain it. I know these tests are not 100% reliable but I pray we will have a positive outcome. I'm tired of living in the past and I'm ready to accept the present and work towards the future.

Wish us luck and say a prayer for God's hand to be upon us as we leap over this next hurdle. My husband is confident he will pass and I pray that he does.

Love's Suffering

It's so easy to get down on myself right now. All it takes is an unkind word, a misconstrued perception, a spark of a negative emotion and it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it's just waking up to a gloomy morning that sets me spiraling in the wrong direction.

I never realized how insecure I could become until I found out about my husband's unfaithfulness. It's interesting because I don't think people realize how devastating infidelity is to a marriage and to the betrayed spouse. So many times I hear how lucky I am that my husband has put it all behind him. Other times I hear what a wonderful husband I have and how I should get over it for the sake of my marriage - after all, he's a changed man and he's doing things right this time. I shouldn't be so mean to him or so hard on him. I need to give him a break.

Other's are in amazement that I'm still with my husband. They can't believe I'm stupid enough to stay when he's such a loser and will obviously do it again. They see him as the enemy who is evil and could never be redeemed. They judge me for trying to reconcile my marriage and to be obedient to God. They think it's silly and irrational.

I'm sure I have this "you have got to be kidding" look when these words are spoken to me. After all, most of these people have no first hand experience with this subject yet they offer tons of advice on something they know nothing about. It's easy to criticize someone when you are on the outside looking in but it's another matter entirely when it's you dealing with it.

It would be nice to be able to put it all behind me but the truth is, it hurts. I feel inadequate and incompetent to deal with my emotions and my situation. I find myself wondering if I had made different choices if I would be suffering the consequences as I am now. I find myself envious of other people and the life they live.

I read the perfect devotional today from God's Purpose for Every Woman called Competition or Mission? by Rachel Olsen. She pointed out the fact that "God did not create us to live someone else's life. He gave us each our own mission, and He's gifted us uniquely for it".

This is the life God called me to live. He did not desire or cause my husband to be unfaithful - my husband did that all on his own. The hardest part is living my life without bitterness and anger and instead living it with love and compassion. It's really about discovering who I am in Christ and living life to the fullest - knowing and trusting God to guide me every step of the way.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8 NKJV

God's Plan

Life is pretty crazy sometimes. I'm happy to report I survived Valentine's Day but I did not write my husband a love letter. Basically, I feel ok with that even though I really wanted to write it, I just couldn't find the words. It didn't makes sense to give him something that would make him sad instead of happy so I decided not to force the issue.

We had a busy weekend. Both of our girls had basketball games and then we decided to venture over to look at a new house. The house was beautiful and had everything we desired, 4 bedrooms, game room, media room, large kitchen and the best part, it was on an acre lot. The price was good and the builder was eager to sell. If only it were that easy...

We have searched and searched for a new home. We were very lucky (Divine Intervention) to have sold our house last April right before the market started to crash. We were getting ready to sign a contract to build a new home when we both felt God was telling us to wait. We had about a week before we closed on our existing home and we had no idea what we were going to do. We didn't want our girls to change schools twice so it was important for us to keep them at the same school. Luck would have it (another Divine Intervention), the very next day, a house in our neighborhood came on the market for rent and we immediatly rented it.

It's truly amazing how faithful God is to our situation when we allow Him the opportunity to reveal His plan to us. So many times we take things into our own hands and force opportunities to arise instead of waiting for His direction. So many times we screw it up and create a much bigger mess for Him to clean up. So many times we make it more difficult than He ever intended causing undue pain and hardship.

I started feeling down about our housing situation since we have waited a long time to be able to purchase a bigger home for our family. My husband will be laid off work the end of this month so we are unable to put an offer on the new home we found. Thankfully, I have a good job that will pay the bills while he searches for new employment. Instead of being disgruntled, I need to be grateful for all God has given us. We have a lot to be thankful for and I have no doubt God will answer our prayer for a new home. Right now, He has other plans for us and I pray we will be obedient and seek Him instead of our own desires. God is good!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Three days to be exact. Three days to figure out what I'm supposed to do for my husband...I say for him because I feel called to do something especially nice for him. I feel a bit out of my territory on this one. I'm having a difficult time conjuring up lovie - dovie ideas but what keeps popping into my head is to write him a love letter.

So, today after work ended, I sat down at my desk and started to type. It was no good. I couldn't think of anything to write. I started to write about my feelings and before I knew it I was back to the negativity, not the love I wanted to profess. Ughhhh, this was much harder than I expected so I deleted my "love note" and shut down the laptop. On my way home, I tried to think of all the wonderful things I could say and then I realized, I've forgotten how to be mushy, sentimental and over the top in love. I have built these walls around my heart and mind and it's going to take God to knock them down.

The interesting thing is I feel good about Valentine's Day this year. I desire to have a fun filled day with my husband and children to celebrate our love as a family. It's a little weird (and scary) to feel this way. Last year at this time I was not in a good place at all. I remember going to the Hallmark store to look for a card and bursting into tears. Every card I picked up was professing undying, unfailing, committed love for each other. My stomach churned with every card I opened until I knew for sure I was going to puke. So I ran as fast as I could out of that store and to my car. It was a terrible feeling and I remember sitting in the parking lot crying my eyes out.

I don't remember much else about last year's Valentine's Day except one of my husband's gifts. He had hand written me a letter from his heart that had everything I longed to hear - his love for me, his remorse & sorrow, his regret, his hope for the future, his commitment to me. It was the saddest and most precious letter. He had no idea how I longed for those words.

Now here I am a year later, knowing I need to write him a love letter. Knowing he needs to read loving, affirming, committed words from my heart - to know I still love him after all that has happened. The words are stuck but I know they are not the roadblock, it's FEAR. So the question battles within me, will I allow fear to control my actions or will I step out in faith and trust God to tear down these walls?

The Mind Games

It's kind of funny how desperately I strive for contentment and peace in my marriage and yet when I get it, I can't accept it and end up worrying - thinking I must have missed something. Isn't that how we are though? Never satisfied with what we have or second guessing when we finally receive it.

As I mentioned in my previous posts, I am a year and a half out from discovering my husband's infidelity. Right now, I'm in a good place and feeling positive about things. However, earlier today I caught myself second guessing my contentment. For some reason I seem to think I don't deserve this peace or it is way too easy and therefore something must be wrong. He must be sinning and hiding it better, he must be lying to me, or he doesn't love me, and on & on. The thoughts start swirling around in my brain creating tidal waves of emotions.

I could continue this dialogue in my head all night and the sad thing is I could eventually (and rather easily) convince myself of a false reality. It's hard to look at the facts when my mind is distorted with emotions and fear. Normally, when I get like this I tend to lash out unmercifully at my husband. After all, he's the reason I feel this way. Aren't I entititled to vent my anger and pain? Shouldn't he have to pay for what he's done? Shouldn't he suffer for the pain he's caused? He doesn't deserve me or our family... Luckily, I chose not to take that road today and eventually the thoughts subsided.

Those are just a few of the never ending thoughts tossing around in my head. I think it's fairly accurate to say most betrayed spouses experience the same thoughts. One thing I have learned from my journey is that I cannot allow my thoughts and emotions to rule my life. Yes, I am allowed to vent my anger and pain but I am not allowed to sin when venting. Yes, my husband will have to account for what he has done but I am not his judge - only God has that right because God knows his heart. Who am I to think my husband is not suffering for the pain he has caused. He has to live with the guilt and knowledge of what he's done every single day. Who am I to be so bold as to think he doesn't deserve me or our family when Jesus died on that cross for all of our sins. Jesus didn't randomly select a few people to save, he saves us all if we choose to accept Him.

It's easy to get caught up in the self righteous snare but the truth is I am no better than he is. We are both sinners and fall short of the glory of God. I am thankful for God's mercy and grace. I am thankful God has a better plan for me than the one I developed in my mind. I am thankful my husband is remorseful and that his actions line up with his words. I am thankful my husband is becoming the man God intended him to be and changing from the inside out. No matter what our circumstances may indicate, God is still in control.

Online Book Club

One of my favorite activities is reading. There is nothing better than curling up with a good book, a skinny latte and my purring cat to bring a smile to my face. Reading has always been a huge part of my life. I used to read two books a week but now I'm lucky to finish one or two a month.

Reading has always been very therapeutic and it keeps me sane. It gives me an outlet to release my emotions and it gives me a reason to temporarily forget my problems. When my marriage started falling apart I read everything I could about infidelity, betrayal and healing. After a while my mind just couldn't take the seriousness any longer. I grew hungry for a variety of books but I felt guilty if I read something fun and light hearted. I no longer enjoyed this simple pleasure, after all, how could I laugh or be happy at a time like this. Slowly, I was able to start reading other subjects again and now I read a large variety of fiction and nonfiction books that are not about infidelity.

I discovered a great resource for finding good books through an online book club called DearReader.com. Suzanne Beecher started this book club to get people reading again. When you have time check out the website and sign up for a book club. Each day she will email a 5-minute portion of a book for you to sample (the first few chapters), with a different book each week. The best part, there are always fun and exciting things happening like new books, giveaways, chocolate chip cookies delivered to your door and lots of recipes. Click on the happy book image on the left sidebar or visit the book club at http://www.dearreader.com/.

I am not promoting this book club for any other reason than to give you a break to read. There are no kickbacks, no hassles, no problems. So check it out. It's free and most importantly it might inspire you to start reading again.

Set apart to be different

People can be such downers. I realize this more and more everyday how quickly we jump to conclusions, point out the negatives, misunderstand others, squash their dreams, and secretly hope they will fail. Sometimes we do this consciously and other times we are completely unaware of what we are doing to others. I had a strong conviction the other day to stop "being a downer" when I didn't even realize I was doing it. In my mind I was simply revealing the "better option", stating the "obvious conclusion" or better yet, trying to persuade someone to "embrace my opinions".

I think too often we are are misunderstood and criticized by people who don't take the time to get to know us on the inside. They look at the exterior or our circumstances and they draw their own conclusion as to what is right without bothering to examine what is on the inside, the heart, the motive, the why behind it all. It is so easy to criticize those we do not understand or those who appear different.

As Christians we are set apart for God. We are not of this world. We are aliens in a foreign country and we should be different from the rest of the world. I had an interesting conversation with my husband tonight. The highlight of our discussion included what God asks us to do as His children in Christ. If God asks us to do something considered odd or strange to most people (Christians included) and others don't agree or it's not practiced in today's world, does that make it wrong and has that person really heard from God?

I have decided it's not always about the thing God asks us to do. More than likely it is about the process that leads us to be obedient to God. It's the change God is making inside of us. It's the revelation God reveals to our hearts. It's the transformaton of our character. It's the shift in our perspective. It's God pruning our branches and refining His work of art. It's discovering all He has for us and bringing glory to His name.

We tend to take the easy road and only look at the surface of things, which causes us to be shallow and uneffective. Truth requires us to search deeper and further than we ever expected and it takes effort and sacrifice on our part. Let's be different from this world and allow God's light to shine brightly through us. Let's allow God's masterpiece to be displayed for all to see so others may come to know Him through our actions and our words. Let's stop being "downers" and start being "encouragers".

Living Free

I want to be free to be me. That's the phrase that keeps circling around in my head. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am or what I've been through. I want others to look at me and see Christ's glory shining through and I want them to want what I have. I want them to know Christ to the fullest.

I was at the bookstore the other day and read a brief paragraph from this tiny book called Hope that read, "It's not my wheelchair, my sickness, my job loss or any other circumstance that is the cross I pick up and bear daily but my attitude". The author said it much more eloquently but it has stuck with me for days. I've been examining my thoughts and attitudes since and I've realized that what I truly want is to be free - the way God intended.

My life has not turned out the way I imagined and the life I was living was basically a big, fat lie. If you haven't guessed it already, my husband has been unfaithful to me. I found out in September 2007 and it was by the grace of God that my husband ended up coming clean with all that he had done. It has been a long, slow road to reconciliation but we are living proof that God can bring good from such pain.

I remember the night I found out and I remember falling to the ground, screaming to the Lord, "Why me? Why are you doing this to me?" I remember so clearly the words echoing in my mind, "Why not me?" and then I remember the thought, "Maybe this isn't about you but about your husband's soul." I cried and wailed until I fell asleep. I remember the days that followed and I remember feeling as if I was caught in a trap unable to get free.

The problem with this whole mess wasn't so much my circumstance as it was my attitude. I was devasted and broken hearted and I was afraid. I didn't know who I was anymore and frankly, I didn't really care. My attitude was ruled by my emotions, changing from moment to moment, but my circumstances stayed the same. It wasn't until I started addressing my attitude that my circumstances started to matter less & less.

I am not diminishing the hurt or the pain because it was and is very real. God calls us to a higher standard and sometimes we have to accept the things we do not understand and trust God to make it right. I'm one of the lucky ones, whose husband has repented and is doing everything he can to make up for what he's done and to stay on the straight and narrow. I know God has asked me to stay with him when it would be so much easier for me to leave.

I also know not everyone has a happy outcome and I often question why God has allowed my husband and I to reconcile when so many other couples don't get the opportunity due to one or both unwillingness to change. Regardless of your circumstance, know that God is in control and He asks you to trust Him to make it right - whatever that may look like. Freedom comes from knowing Christ and surrendering our lives to Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6.

A Good Day

Believe it or not, I am typing this at a reasonable hour and even during daylight. The day was just wonderful as no school due to icy conditions which meant no work for me. My poor husband braved the ice at 5:30am though I think he enjoys the challenge of driving in it and feels manly to say he made it to work when the rest of us declined the adventure.

I'm feeling especially good today. Don't know why exactly as I haven't done much - a little vacuuming, a little cleaning and a little kiddo time. But I'll fess up and tell you the real reason but first I should give you a little background.

A few months ago, I could no longer tell my husband I loved him. It felt wrong and painful for me to say those three little words. At first it was because of my pain but then it became a way of punishing him for what he did. I didn't connect the two right away but over time I knew exactly what I was doing whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. Let me tell you what happens when you decide to withhold your love from someone: It makes you a bitter and negative person. It takes root in your heart and slowly hardens it to what Christ would have for you.

A good friend of mine pointed out my behavior the other day and I don't know if she was directing it at me or not but she made me rethink what I was doing. I was a little self righteous at first but took some time to think about what she said and it made a lot more sense than I wanted to admit.

Last night when I went to bed, I held my husband tight and whispered the words, "I love you" because it's true and I mean it. I probably should have given him a little warning or at least had the oxygen cart nearby. I think his heart stopped or at least skipped a beat. Let me tell you, his reaction was well worth my pride. After all, it was a pride thing and a selfish thing to do by not telling him.

I've said it before and my initials for this blog remind me that I am a Work In Progress. I had a hard learning experience these last few months but I vow to learn from it. At the time, it's what I thought I needed to do and now I know a better way.

Training Our Thoughts

Tonight, I'm happy to report, was a good night. No Wiching Hour or psychosis prevailed - though my husband went to sleep before I could transform into my famous Gremlin / Monster. Yes, that was a joke!

We had a really great evening with our girls - iced in from the cold weather. We were able to spend time talking and reconnecting. Rebuilding trust is a very difficult and slow process but it can be done. I was reminded tonight of how important it is to "train our thoughts". Our behavior is dictated by our thoughts. If our thoughts are in order and aligned with God then our behavior should follow.

One of my greatest struggles is controlling my thoughts and keeping my mind in check. I often have to remember Ephesians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

I have so much to be grateful for in my life and it would do me well to remember those things more frequently. God has blessed me greatly and I need to take a moment to thank Him for who He. It's easy to let my mind linger on the things of this world but it's time to set my mind on things above - as Rick Warren said, "It's not about me".

One of Those Days...

You ever have just one of those days when you want to bury your head under the covers and stay there as long as possible? I had one of those days. It didn't help that it was 38 degrees out and misting all day and I had come off of a bad night with my husband. Oh, yes, the Witching Hour happened again around midnight. I was exhausted and not feeling well and I just lost it. My poor husband ended up on the couch around 1am probably wondering how in the world he got there in the first place!

I'm ashamed to admit it but I was pretty much a complete monster! I pulled out all the big guns, fully loaded and fired away! Nothing was off limits and everthing was back on the table. I'm sure he left the room thinking I was a complete wacko and wondering what in the world he is doing living with this crazy nut job.

I have to give this man a lot of credit though. He sure does know how to endure and he is comitted to making our marriage work. I guess in a way, I am testing him to see how much he will take and so far he's taken it all. I think a part of me believes that on any given day he will walk out those doors and never come back. Not once has he ever hinted or suggested that leaving is an option. As a matter of fact, he is dead set against it and belive me, I have tried to push him out those doors. I guess since, he's not budging and I'm a wreck, it's time to do something about it...

Father, my prayer tonight is that You will greatly soften my heart towards my husband. I pray that You will allow me the opportunity to see my husband through Your eyes and to completely release these emotions over to You. I know I am not strong enough to overcome this by myself but with You all things are possible. I see the change in my husband but I am unwilling to believe it is for real. I pray You will give me the courage and the strength to believe what is real. I pray for discernment and wisdom to know the difference between reality and deception. I pray you will continue your good works in and through my husband. Continue to draw him near to You and show him Your ways. I pray you will restore my marriage to a greater level with a foundation that is built entirely on You. Please take away the anger and the bitterness and replace it with compassion and mercy. I pray this all in Jesus' precious name - Amen.

The Witching Hour

It happened again last night. The Witching Hour came upon me and I transformed into the scary, psychotic, hateful, little Gremlin. I used to like this Gremlin, she had spunk and words...lots of words...but now I think she's pretty much a pain the rear.

I wish I could claim temporary insanity, invasion of the body snatchers or a terrible nightmare, but reality is I turn into a Gremlin without warning, which is why I call it the Witching Hour - when night falls and emotions rule. This is not my finest hour but thankfully, last night's episode was fairly mild. The Gremlin lost consciousness a few times so reality was able to peak through here and there, but oh, how easy it would be to get lost in the pool of deception & lies.

When we are on this journey to heal our hearts and to rebuild trust, it's easy to believe the lies and follow the trail of fear instead of the truth. It's during this time, the Witching Hour, when we must remain watchful and ready to combat the enemy with every weapon we possess:

"Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addion to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18

We cannot trust our emotions, which play tricks on our minds, but we can trust God's Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us to the truth.

A Little More Kindness, Please

Romans 12:17 "Do not repay anyone evil for evil...." v.20-21 "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink...Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Our world could use a lot more kindness. I started my day at the chiropractor, hoping he could once again fix my back. I felt much better after leaving his office but by the time I changed for work and started my morning commute, the joy I had experienced was pretty much gone. It's a sad world we live in these days. Most people are out for #1 without ever thinking of the consequences or the people they hurt along the way. It saddens me to think of what this world will be like when my children are grown. I wonder why it's so difficult for people to be kind and to take a moment out of their day to do something nice for another person.

I saw a wonderful quote today on the back of someone's shirt. It read, "If I have to choose between being right or being kind, I choose being kind everytime". I sat for a moment staring at that quote thinking how much I like to be right, how good it feels to be right. I admit, I like knowing things and feeling important. Sometimes, I like to prove a point by being right. Now I wonder how many people I have unknowingly hurt because I have felt the need to be right.

After my marriage crisis, I struggled with being kind to my husband and honestly, I struggled with being kind to my children. I was overly critical and extremely bitter. One night my daughter asked me, "Mom why don't you like me very much?". Hearing those words broke my heart because I love this little girl with all of my heart. She is my first born, my perfect angel and she doesn't even know how much I love her and value her. I vowed that night to show her kindness and unconditional love. Now, I try very hard to lift her up with my words instead of tearing her down. I've seen a difference in her attitude as well as my own.

What would happen if we intentionally extended kindness to those around us? When someone cuts us off in traffic, we just let it go. When someone is rude, we respond with compassion. When someone talks bad about us, we say a good word about them. When someone gets angry with us, we demonstrate patience. A little kindness goes a long way. Think about how much better we feel when someone has been kind to us.

When we encounter another person, we don't really know what they are going through. We haven't walked in their shoes and we don't know what life has thrown at them. Would it really hurt us to cut people some slack and extend a little kindness? Remember Paul's instructions in 1 Thessalonians 5:15, "Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." Next time let's do our best to respond with kindness and compassion instead of the alternative.

Friendship

Ahhh, friendship is a beautiful thing. I had one very special best friend growing up in a small town in East Texas. I met her when I was in kindergarten and we still keep in touch over 32 years later. She knew everything about me and me about her. Sometimes when we would get together we never had to say a word. We just knew what the other person was thinking without ever needing verbalize our thoughts.

As I got older, married and had children, I lost the important connection of having good friends. I had "friends" but not ones I would trust completely or share my inner most secrets. I began praying to God to please give me good friends who will "get me" so I can share life with them. God answered my prayers and gave me several amazing friends.

I am so blessed to have these precious ladies in my life. They have helped me through some very difficult times and have always encouraged me and spoken the truth to me. We laugh together and we cry together. We are here for each other through the thick and the thin, no matter what circumstance may arise, we can count on each other for support and encouragement.

I met with these ladies tonight and we shared many stories and struggles of what is going on in our lives. All of us have gone through trying times and some are facing tough decisions. My heart goes out to these women who have bared their souls to me and allowed me a place in their heart. You are all so amazing and so strong. Christ shines brightly through each one of you and I am extremely grateful to be your friend.

Fear

I come from a long line of worriers. It's thick in my blood. It's what I'm good at. It's what I excel at. I drive my husband nuts with all the worrying I do. He has no need to worry because I more than cover it for the both of us...and our children...and our cats...and our extended family...and our friends! Honestly, it's ridiculous and I admit, I have a problem.

Sometimes I am consumed by great fear. Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of what might happen. Fear of what might not happen. Fear, fear, fear. The list goes on and on. I know I shouldn't fear so much but at times I find myself stuck in the cycle of fear.

Jesus tells us "not to fear for He has overcome the world". The Bible tells us over and over "Do not be afraid". Yet, I continue to fear. The current economy situation does not help my fears at all. There is bad news lurking on every corner. Bad things happening to good people. Jobs being lost, people dying and everywhere I turn, people are hurting. Why is God allowing these things to happen? Why doesn't He step in and stop the bad stuff and the pain? How can He just sit back and allow it to happen? Why doesn't He do more?

It's easy to get caught up in the question game. I get on a roll and pretty soon I can't stop. The problem with why is that there is never an answer sufficient. Once I ask why and receive an explanation then I immediately think of another question to add: Why did you allow him to do that? Because he was selfish and without God. Why didn't you stop him? Because he wouldn't have learned the lesson. Why won't you take away the pain? Because you don't trust me completely. The questions never cease...

I don't think it's the answers to the questions that I desire as much as knowing the mind of God -how He operates and what He is really doing with us here on earth. Maybe I don't desire the answers to these questions after all. Maybe I desire His truth and His Will. Maybe I desire to know Him deeply and passionately. Maybe I desire to trust Him completely.

Isn't that just like God to turn my questions into an adventure to seek Him. Thank you Lord for giving us your wonderful book, your living word. I know I will still worry but deep down I know God has my back. For He says, "Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you", Hebrews 13:5.

Understanding My Purpose

Do you ever wish God would just make himself known to you in a tangible and unquestionable way? When I hear people talk so casually about how God has spoken to them about this or that I often wonder how they can hear Him so clearly when I seem to struggle with hearing His voice at all. I do believe God will sometimes hit us with a 2x4 to get our attention but more likely His voice is the quiet gentle whisper that is constantly in the background. We have to choose to hear it or we choose to ignore it.

I have not had a supernatural experience with God (though I do believe it's possible). He has chosen to reveal Himself to me in subtle and gentle ways that could easily be overlooked or thought of as just life. As I mature in my faith, I realize this is the perfect way for Him to speak to me. God tends to do things very opposite of what I (we) might imagine.

I have been struggling with why we are here on earth. After the crisis in my marriage I began to question why I'm here and what is the purpose of living on earth when it would be so much better to just die & go to heaven to a life without such pain & sorrow. I grew bitter and angry with life and with God. I began to withdraw from the Lord and finally decided to angrily ask the Lord to reveal my purpose (honestly, didn't expect much of an answer).

Today during church, God spoke to me loud and clear through our pastor. The topic was "Impact". Why are we here and How do we follow. I know it was God speaking because I felt it deep in my heart & soul. The more the pastor spoke the more attentive I became. I am here because God has called me to live for impact. My purpose is to help others know Christ and to help them fulfill their purpose in Christ. As Philipians 1 tells us, "I am here for others progress and joy in the faith. Death is my gain (to be with God) but Life is impact (to help others be with God)." It's not really about me but about other people.

You see, I have been so wrapped up in my own selfish pain that I forgot my higher calling. I lost my perspective and was dwelling on my pitiful situation. The truth is, it's my choice on how I respond. It's my choice to be angry and bitter and to allow these negative emotions to take over my life; or it's my choice to release the past to God and start living for His Kingdom.

If you are feeling down and in great dispair, call out to our Father to speak to you and to reveal Himself to you. Even if you don't really know Him but are desparate for help, call to Him. He will not ignore your cry and He will be faithful to answer you. Give Him a chance to talk to you and remember He may not always reveal Himself the way you think He should. I promise you He is always FOR YOU and WITH YOU and you can ALWAYS count on Him to bring about good from any situation or circumstance.

Starting This Blog

About a year and a half ago I went through a life changing crisis in my marriage. My life was turned upside down and I was devasted beyond words. The life I thought I was living turned out to be a complete farce which left me feeling empty, angry, depressed, meaningless and a long list of other crazy emotional verbage. One day I was ok and the next I was in the pit of great dispair. The roller coaster ride was (and is) fast, scary and unpredictable. Now that I am finally getting used to riding a roller coaster, I decided to start this blog to track my journey and to give hope to others who are dealing with the same out of control madness.

Life is scary and life is always changing whether we like it or not. The question remains, "How will I choose to deal with the changes?". I must admit, I don't always deal with the changes very well but I am a work in progress. I want to live a good life filled with meaning, purpose & joy and I don't want to look back and wish I would have done things differently. This is the beginning of living with no regrets, knowing that I am doing the best I can with the information and skills I possess at this particular moment. In the future, I may respond differently to the same issue but I won't regret my previous actions, instead I will gain wisdom and knowledge to make better choices. As I mentioned before, I am a work in progress.