Living Free

I want to be free to be me. That's the phrase that keeps circling around in my head. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am or what I've been through. I want others to look at me and see Christ's glory shining through and I want them to want what I have. I want them to know Christ to the fullest.

I was at the bookstore the other day and read a brief paragraph from this tiny book called Hope that read, "It's not my wheelchair, my sickness, my job loss or any other circumstance that is the cross I pick up and bear daily but my attitude". The author said it much more eloquently but it has stuck with me for days. I've been examining my thoughts and attitudes since and I've realized that what I truly want is to be free - the way God intended.

My life has not turned out the way I imagined and the life I was living was basically a big, fat lie. If you haven't guessed it already, my husband has been unfaithful to me. I found out in September 2007 and it was by the grace of God that my husband ended up coming clean with all that he had done. It has been a long, slow road to reconciliation but we are living proof that God can bring good from such pain.

I remember the night I found out and I remember falling to the ground, screaming to the Lord, "Why me? Why are you doing this to me?" I remember so clearly the words echoing in my mind, "Why not me?" and then I remember the thought, "Maybe this isn't about you but about your husband's soul." I cried and wailed until I fell asleep. I remember the days that followed and I remember feeling as if I was caught in a trap unable to get free.

The problem with this whole mess wasn't so much my circumstance as it was my attitude. I was devasted and broken hearted and I was afraid. I didn't know who I was anymore and frankly, I didn't really care. My attitude was ruled by my emotions, changing from moment to moment, but my circumstances stayed the same. It wasn't until I started addressing my attitude that my circumstances started to matter less & less.

I am not diminishing the hurt or the pain because it was and is very real. God calls us to a higher standard and sometimes we have to accept the things we do not understand and trust God to make it right. I'm one of the lucky ones, whose husband has repented and is doing everything he can to make up for what he's done and to stay on the straight and narrow. I know God has asked me to stay with him when it would be so much easier for me to leave.

I also know not everyone has a happy outcome and I often question why God has allowed my husband and I to reconcile when so many other couples don't get the opportunity due to one or both unwillingness to change. Regardless of your circumstance, know that God is in control and He asks you to trust Him to make it right - whatever that may look like. Freedom comes from knowing Christ and surrendering our lives to Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6.