Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Three days to be exact. Three days to figure out what I'm supposed to do for my husband...I say for him because I feel called to do something especially nice for him. I feel a bit out of my territory on this one. I'm having a difficult time conjuring up lovie - dovie ideas but what keeps popping into my head is to write him a love letter.

So, today after work ended, I sat down at my desk and started to type. It was no good. I couldn't think of anything to write. I started to write about my feelings and before I knew it I was back to the negativity, not the love I wanted to profess. Ughhhh, this was much harder than I expected so I deleted my "love note" and shut down the laptop. On my way home, I tried to think of all the wonderful things I could say and then I realized, I've forgotten how to be mushy, sentimental and over the top in love. I have built these walls around my heart and mind and it's going to take God to knock them down.

The interesting thing is I feel good about Valentine's Day this year. I desire to have a fun filled day with my husband and children to celebrate our love as a family. It's a little weird (and scary) to feel this way. Last year at this time I was not in a good place at all. I remember going to the Hallmark store to look for a card and bursting into tears. Every card I picked up was professing undying, unfailing, committed love for each other. My stomach churned with every card I opened until I knew for sure I was going to puke. So I ran as fast as I could out of that store and to my car. It was a terrible feeling and I remember sitting in the parking lot crying my eyes out.

I don't remember much else about last year's Valentine's Day except one of my husband's gifts. He had hand written me a letter from his heart that had everything I longed to hear - his love for me, his remorse & sorrow, his regret, his hope for the future, his commitment to me. It was the saddest and most precious letter. He had no idea how I longed for those words.

Now here I am a year later, knowing I need to write him a love letter. Knowing he needs to read loving, affirming, committed words from my heart - to know I still love him after all that has happened. The words are stuck but I know they are not the roadblock, it's FEAR. So the question battles within me, will I allow fear to control my actions or will I step out in faith and trust God to tear down these walls?