Love's Suffering

It's so easy to get down on myself right now. All it takes is an unkind word, a misconstrued perception, a spark of a negative emotion and it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it's just waking up to a gloomy morning that sets me spiraling in the wrong direction.

I never realized how insecure I could become until I found out about my husband's unfaithfulness. It's interesting because I don't think people realize how devastating infidelity is to a marriage and to the betrayed spouse. So many times I hear how lucky I am that my husband has put it all behind him. Other times I hear what a wonderful husband I have and how I should get over it for the sake of my marriage - after all, he's a changed man and he's doing things right this time. I shouldn't be so mean to him or so hard on him. I need to give him a break.

Other's are in amazement that I'm still with my husband. They can't believe I'm stupid enough to stay when he's such a loser and will obviously do it again. They see him as the enemy who is evil and could never be redeemed. They judge me for trying to reconcile my marriage and to be obedient to God. They think it's silly and irrational.

I'm sure I have this "you have got to be kidding" look when these words are spoken to me. After all, most of these people have no first hand experience with this subject yet they offer tons of advice on something they know nothing about. It's easy to criticize someone when you are on the outside looking in but it's another matter entirely when it's you dealing with it.

It would be nice to be able to put it all behind me but the truth is, it hurts. I feel inadequate and incompetent to deal with my emotions and my situation. I find myself wondering if I had made different choices if I would be suffering the consequences as I am now. I find myself envious of other people and the life they live.

I read the perfect devotional today from God's Purpose for Every Woman called Competition or Mission? by Rachel Olsen. She pointed out the fact that "God did not create us to live someone else's life. He gave us each our own mission, and He's gifted us uniquely for it".

This is the life God called me to live. He did not desire or cause my husband to be unfaithful - my husband did that all on his own. The hardest part is living my life without bitterness and anger and instead living it with love and compassion. It's really about discovering who I am in Christ and living life to the fullest - knowing and trusting God to guide me every step of the way.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8 NKJV