I am doing a Bible Study on the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. I read this book several years ago in another Bible study so it's very interesting to read the answers I wrote back then compared to where I am today. Our group met last night and I have to express my heavy heart. Satan is at full work doing his best to destroy our marriages and destroy our faith in Jesus. I am concerned that even though we call ourselves Christians and try to follow Christ, our thoughts are not aligned with His.
After meeting last night I felt very convicted for not stopping some of the "husband bashing" and reminding all of us of what the Bible says and what Jesus calls us to do. We are not to conform to the thinking of this world but are to be set apart as aliens in this world. Yes, our marriage or situation may not be ideal but God is in control and never allows anything to happen in which He is not aware. In the midst of trials we are to keep our focus on God and it is so important to devote time to reading the Bible and praying continuously. I was convicted of how easy it is to get off track and begin the "entitlement rage". The truth is life is not fair and marriage and life in general is a lot of work.
I've learned so much through this process with my husband and one of my greatest struggles is accepting the past for what it is and choosing to move forward and heal. Some days I'm very good at doing this and other days I fall short. Every time I start to waiver, it's almost always because I'm not connecting or meeting with God. For some people this would seem silly or oversimplified but it's the truth. When we sever our connection with God (or throw a lot of static on the line) we tend to lose our focus and begin the "What if" or the "Poor me" game. We begin to focus on everyone else's faults instead of looking inward to our attitudes, our thoughts and our responses.
God can heal us if we surrender to Him. God will never allow our troubles to go to waste. It's important to look inward to discover what God wants to do in our hearts. He is always working and we can choose to participate willingly or choose to rebel and sit on the sidelines. Trust God to bring you through this and I promise, He will not let you down. You'll be amazed at the works of His hand.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Little Blessings
It's been a while since I've posted anything so I thought I better get on the ball. I had a great week last week. The girls were on spring break and my husband's brother's family was in town for a visit. It was so good to see them. The timing was perfect since our girls were out of school and were able to spend a lot of good quality time with their cousins. They left on Thurs and my youngest is still sad they had to leave. I thoroughly enjoyed our visit and I know my hubby did too!
It was funny because we had 9 people at our house for just under a week and then Thurs morning 5 left to go back to Indiana and then my husband left to go on a golf trip. My oldest daughter ended up going to the lake with a friend so it left just me and my youngest to come home to a very quiet house Thurs evening! It was very strange to have just the two of us and no one else.
I have to confess, I was not overly excited about my husband going on this golf trip. It's an annual event but he has not attended for a couple of years. This is the first time we have been apart since I found out. He used to act out when he was away from his family so this is truly a test for both of us. Anyway, I am doing surprisingly well the last few days. I started to have some anxiety Thurs night but I pulled myself together.
I talked to my husband Friday afternoon and he didn't sound very good. I asked if he was coming down with a cold and he told me no but he had something to tell me. At that moment, I felt sick to my stomach. Then, he told me, he had lost his wedding ring! He normally puts it in his wallet and then in his golf bag. Somehow, it must have fallen out when he bought lunch or snacks and so far, he has not been able to find it. He was very upset and was very nervous about telling me. It seems so ironic and funny that he would lose his wedding ring on his first trip away from me. I'm upset that he lost it for sentimental reasons but I'm not upset with him. I think this is a big step for me and I appreciate his honestly. I pray he finds it or someone turns it in at the golf course. It's a beautiful ring that we had custom made and there is no way to replace it.
I told my mom what had happened and she said, "Well, look at the positive, at least you still have your husband and it was just a ring that was lost. It could have been something much worse." You know what, she is so right. I am lucky and blessed to be where I am and I look forward to my husband's return.
It was funny because we had 9 people at our house for just under a week and then Thurs morning 5 left to go back to Indiana and then my husband left to go on a golf trip. My oldest daughter ended up going to the lake with a friend so it left just me and my youngest to come home to a very quiet house Thurs evening! It was very strange to have just the two of us and no one else.
I have to confess, I was not overly excited about my husband going on this golf trip. It's an annual event but he has not attended for a couple of years. This is the first time we have been apart since I found out. He used to act out when he was away from his family so this is truly a test for both of us. Anyway, I am doing surprisingly well the last few days. I started to have some anxiety Thurs night but I pulled myself together.
I talked to my husband Friday afternoon and he didn't sound very good. I asked if he was coming down with a cold and he told me no but he had something to tell me. At that moment, I felt sick to my stomach. Then, he told me, he had lost his wedding ring! He normally puts it in his wallet and then in his golf bag. Somehow, it must have fallen out when he bought lunch or snacks and so far, he has not been able to find it. He was very upset and was very nervous about telling me. It seems so ironic and funny that he would lose his wedding ring on his first trip away from me. I'm upset that he lost it for sentimental reasons but I'm not upset with him. I think this is a big step for me and I appreciate his honestly. I pray he finds it or someone turns it in at the golf course. It's a beautiful ring that we had custom made and there is no way to replace it.
I told my mom what had happened and she said, "Well, look at the positive, at least you still have your husband and it was just a ring that was lost. It could have been something much worse." You know what, she is so right. I am lucky and blessed to be where I am and I look forward to my husband's return.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Tough Questions
We humm through life thinking about ourselves and not giving much thought to others. Our focus in inward instead of outward. Our focus is temporal instead of eternal. These are the thoughts in my mind today. Wondering what it means to live this life to the fullest. It seems so simple yet it's so difficult to grasp. Why am I here Lord? Why did you create us knowing we would fail? Why do you allow such horrible things to happen? What is my purpose and how are we all significant? Why do I have so many questions?
Everywhere I look I see such sorrow and heartache. The unexpected death of a loved one. The unmistakable diagnosis of cancer. The addiction to alcohol & drugs. The obsession of sex. The betrayal of trust. The loss of a job. I could go on and on listing the sorrows and troubles of this world one right after the other. How do we really deal with the tough things. Do we mask our pain by not thinking about it or by laughing about it or by covering it up with other emotions or behaviors. Do we simply convince ourselves of a new reality, telling ourselves it's not that bad, things will get better, or it could be worse, or whatever. What do we do with the pain, the fear, the uncertainties, the doubt? How do we deal with life?
These are the big questions on my mind today. It's not that I'm feeling down or depressed but I simply wonder what this life is really all about. We have all of this stuff in the world and for me it clutters my mind and confines my thoughts to one thing - ME. If I'm avalanched in then I know others are too. This makes me realize we are exactly where Satan wants us to be. Covered up by our stuff and our to-do lists and smothered by the things of this world. I'm afraid to open the door for fear it will all come crashing down. So where does that leave us and how do we find a way out?
I've been reading this great book by Charles Swindoll called, Getting Through the Tough Stuff. He addresses so many topics and struggles pertinent to today. I came across the section of Doubt. He addresses the question of is it ok to doubt and he answers that it is necessary. He states, " You must or you won't grow. You'll wind up learning someone else's answers, and in many cases they will be inadequate for your questions... if you're honest enough to ask them." He goes on to state that when something bad happens "Reality hits and a storm blows in and threatens their once tranquil existence. The emotional explosion results in more questions than answers. They discover things they didn't really know. They are in the vortex of dilemmas they cannot solve. At that point simplistic solutions are replaced with realistic reflections...and the deep things of God begin to emerge, eclipsing shallow answers."
All of this brings me right back to the cross. Right back to Jesus. Right back to the Creator. I am so thankful that God accepts me when I am struggling, when I doubt, when I am angry, when I am sad. He's already been there and He loves me anyway. He's waiting patiently for me to come to Him with all of my questions and all of my sorrows - to admit my pain, my fears, my doubts. Having faith does not mean I won't ever doubt. It means I recognize my limitations and I give it over to God. Oh, what He can do with just a mustard seed of faith!
Everywhere I look I see such sorrow and heartache. The unexpected death of a loved one. The unmistakable diagnosis of cancer. The addiction to alcohol & drugs. The obsession of sex. The betrayal of trust. The loss of a job. I could go on and on listing the sorrows and troubles of this world one right after the other. How do we really deal with the tough things. Do we mask our pain by not thinking about it or by laughing about it or by covering it up with other emotions or behaviors. Do we simply convince ourselves of a new reality, telling ourselves it's not that bad, things will get better, or it could be worse, or whatever. What do we do with the pain, the fear, the uncertainties, the doubt? How do we deal with life?
These are the big questions on my mind today. It's not that I'm feeling down or depressed but I simply wonder what this life is really all about. We have all of this stuff in the world and for me it clutters my mind and confines my thoughts to one thing - ME. If I'm avalanched in then I know others are too. This makes me realize we are exactly where Satan wants us to be. Covered up by our stuff and our to-do lists and smothered by the things of this world. I'm afraid to open the door for fear it will all come crashing down. So where does that leave us and how do we find a way out?
I've been reading this great book by Charles Swindoll called, Getting Through the Tough Stuff. He addresses so many topics and struggles pertinent to today. I came across the section of Doubt. He addresses the question of is it ok to doubt and he answers that it is necessary. He states, " You must or you won't grow. You'll wind up learning someone else's answers, and in many cases they will be inadequate for your questions... if you're honest enough to ask them." He goes on to state that when something bad happens "Reality hits and a storm blows in and threatens their once tranquil existence. The emotional explosion results in more questions than answers. They discover things they didn't really know. They are in the vortex of dilemmas they cannot solve. At that point simplistic solutions are replaced with realistic reflections...and the deep things of God begin to emerge, eclipsing shallow answers."
All of this brings me right back to the cross. Right back to Jesus. Right back to the Creator. I am so thankful that God accepts me when I am struggling, when I doubt, when I am angry, when I am sad. He's already been there and He loves me anyway. He's waiting patiently for me to come to Him with all of my questions and all of my sorrows - to admit my pain, my fears, my doubts. Having faith does not mean I won't ever doubt. It means I recognize my limitations and I give it over to God. Oh, what He can do with just a mustard seed of faith!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Laughter Is Still The Best Medicine
When was the last time you laughed out loud? I don't mean a little tiny chuckle, I mean a blurt it out crazy kind of laugh? When was the last time you tossed all your worries to the side and just laughed? I used to think I possessed a pretty good sense of humor and I laughed regularly like anybody else until my marriage feel apart. It felt as if all the humor and fun was sucked right out of my body and all that was left was sadness and despair. It has taken quite a while to figure out how to start laughing again but humor has slowly crept back into my life. I realize now, it's ok to laugh and have fun even though my circumstances may stink. I can't think of a better way to cope with the pain than to throw a little laughter in its face.
I remember one day in particular I was having a tough time. I decided to jump on my spin bike and let out all of my aggression. Everyone says, exercise is the best medicine, right? As I was spinning I started to cry and all of these crazy emotions began filling me up with anger, sadness and bitterness. My head was down and I noticed out of the corner of my eye, my 7 year old daughter darting down the hall. When I glanced up, there she was, dressed as a rock star with a homemade cape, a guitar, a microphone and wet, wild hair as she had just hopped out of the shower. A fast beat song was blasting from my ipod and she put on a show I will never forget. This girl had moves I had never seen before. She was break dancing, jumping, strumming her guitar and before I knew it, I was laughing uncontrollably. You guessed it, the more I laughed the more outrageously she performed and oh, how I wish I had it on video. It would be the sweetest revenge for when she turns 16!
I still smile and chuckle when I think about her crazy performance. It was absolutely hilarious and exactly what I needed. It's amazing how God will use others to minister to us in profound and glorious ways. Don't be afraid to take time out from your pain and delight in the little things around you. God gives us great joy in small packages. It never fails when I am feeling down and out, all I have to do is stop and observe my girls. Before long, a smile emerges and laughter erupts from my lips -somehow the world becomes a much better place...
I remember one day in particular I was having a tough time. I decided to jump on my spin bike and let out all of my aggression. Everyone says, exercise is the best medicine, right? As I was spinning I started to cry and all of these crazy emotions began filling me up with anger, sadness and bitterness. My head was down and I noticed out of the corner of my eye, my 7 year old daughter darting down the hall. When I glanced up, there she was, dressed as a rock star with a homemade cape, a guitar, a microphone and wet, wild hair as she had just hopped out of the shower. A fast beat song was blasting from my ipod and she put on a show I will never forget. This girl had moves I had never seen before. She was break dancing, jumping, strumming her guitar and before I knew it, I was laughing uncontrollably. You guessed it, the more I laughed the more outrageously she performed and oh, how I wish I had it on video. It would be the sweetest revenge for when she turns 16!
I still smile and chuckle when I think about her crazy performance. It was absolutely hilarious and exactly what I needed. It's amazing how God will use others to minister to us in profound and glorious ways. Don't be afraid to take time out from your pain and delight in the little things around you. God gives us great joy in small packages. It never fails when I am feeling down and out, all I have to do is stop and observe my girls. Before long, a smile emerges and laughter erupts from my lips -somehow the world becomes a much better place...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Quietness of the Day
It's a beautiful day! Life is good, life is calm and life feels safe today. It's rare that I feel such joy and exhilaration like this. As I sit on my couch, looking out the window, I see all the beauty and wonder God has created. He doesn't want me to feel sad & depressed, He wants me to be filled with joy and peace.
Both of my children are occupied at the moment. My oldest is taking a nap trying to recover from a sleep over and my youngest is making her Grammy a birthday card. My husband is out and about running errands. He offered to wash my car and pick up a few items from the grocery store. It's nice to be able to take a moment and enjoy the quietness.
My eyes are getting heavy as I sit on the couch listening the the soft hum of the dryer. I know in a moment I'll be folding laundry but in the interim I'm allowing my mind to wonder to a good place. Oh, how sweet life must have been in the garden when Adam and Eve were first created. I bet the world looked magnificent and brilliant through their eyes filled with wonder and glory. I often speculate on what life would have been like if Adam and Eve would have chosen the better way and stood firm in what they knew was true instead of being deceived by the serpent. What would it have been like to walk with God in the garden - to see Him face to face and experience His presence without the obstacle of sin?
Oh, this leads me down the "if only" path - if only things were different, if only I had chosen the other way, if only I hadn't done that....if only. I bet Adam and Eve had those same thoughts and I bet they would have done anything to take it all back. Can you imagine how they must have felt when God chose to care for them even after they disobeyed? Things would never be as they were before, but God still loved them and He didn't abandoned them. The same is true today. God loves us and He gave us a way to walk with Him, meet with Him and to experience His presence through His son Jesus Christ. How often I take that sacrifice for granted when I don't make time for Him, when I choose to ignore Him, or when I do things my way instead of His way.
These thoughts lead me to my husband and remind me how important it is to mimic God's response by extending compassion and mercy. I know my husband wishes he could take it all back and erase what he has done. I know he would do anything to make it right and take away the pain. The ball is in my court now and it's up to me to decide. A wise man asked me on Friday what I planned to do with the knowledge that my husband passed the lie detector test. Will I choose to ignore it or will I choose to release the anger and the hurt? He guaranteed if I chose to release it that I would never once regret it.
Sitting here in the quietness of the day, I remember the first verse God lead me to after discovering my husband's infidelity. He lead me to 2 Corinthians 2:7 "Now instead you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." At the time, I didn't fully understand it but I tucked it in the back of my mind to ponder. Now, as God continues to heal my heart, it makes a lot of sense why He chose to reveal this truth to me at the beginning instead of later. He was preparing me for what is to come...
Both of my children are occupied at the moment. My oldest is taking a nap trying to recover from a sleep over and my youngest is making her Grammy a birthday card. My husband is out and about running errands. He offered to wash my car and pick up a few items from the grocery store. It's nice to be able to take a moment and enjoy the quietness.
My eyes are getting heavy as I sit on the couch listening the the soft hum of the dryer. I know in a moment I'll be folding laundry but in the interim I'm allowing my mind to wonder to a good place. Oh, how sweet life must have been in the garden when Adam and Eve were first created. I bet the world looked magnificent and brilliant through their eyes filled with wonder and glory. I often speculate on what life would have been like if Adam and Eve would have chosen the better way and stood firm in what they knew was true instead of being deceived by the serpent. What would it have been like to walk with God in the garden - to see Him face to face and experience His presence without the obstacle of sin?
Oh, this leads me down the "if only" path - if only things were different, if only I had chosen the other way, if only I hadn't done that....if only. I bet Adam and Eve had those same thoughts and I bet they would have done anything to take it all back. Can you imagine how they must have felt when God chose to care for them even after they disobeyed? Things would never be as they were before, but God still loved them and He didn't abandoned them. The same is true today. God loves us and He gave us a way to walk with Him, meet with Him and to experience His presence through His son Jesus Christ. How often I take that sacrifice for granted when I don't make time for Him, when I choose to ignore Him, or when I do things my way instead of His way.
These thoughts lead me to my husband and remind me how important it is to mimic God's response by extending compassion and mercy. I know my husband wishes he could take it all back and erase what he has done. I know he would do anything to make it right and take away the pain. The ball is in my court now and it's up to me to decide. A wise man asked me on Friday what I planned to do with the knowledge that my husband passed the lie detector test. Will I choose to ignore it or will I choose to release the anger and the hurt? He guaranteed if I chose to release it that I would never once regret it.
Sitting here in the quietness of the day, I remember the first verse God lead me to after discovering my husband's infidelity. He lead me to 2 Corinthians 2:7 "Now instead you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." At the time, I didn't fully understand it but I tucked it in the back of my mind to ponder. Now, as God continues to heal my heart, it makes a lot of sense why He chose to reveal this truth to me at the beginning instead of later. He was preparing me for what is to come...
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