The Lie Detector Test

The last few days have been very stressful which was sparked by my decision to have my husband take a lie detector test. I have struggled with whether or not he has told me everything and whether or not he has been truthful. It's evident he has made lots of changes in his life and his attitude has gone from pure selfish desire to a servant's heart. I think in the back of my mind, I wondered how these changes could take place so readily and quickly without hesitation. I've heard many stories of trickle truth and false reconciliation that bring you to your knees in pain for these people. It's extremely rare for the wayward spouse to confess everything at once - which is exactly what my husband claimed to do. My soul was uneasy and I wanted additional confirmation he was telling the truth.

My husband scheduled the test for Thurs. at 2pm. I could tell he was nervous and worried about taking the test, though he claimed he wasn't worried about passing it. Come to find out, there was one thing bothering him. He couldn't remember if he had told me everything about how all of this started. As he's telling me this information, I felt relieved because I knew this already but unfortunately, there was one piece of information he omitted or downplayed significantly until now.

Looking at it objectively, this new information is nothing compared to the big picture and in itself is little compared to the rest, but in my mind, I couldn't reconcile the fact that he purposefully withheld this information. He claims he didn't remember this until after he had already confessed everything. Since a lot of time had passed before remembering, he struggled with whether or not to bring it up. He didn't want to hurt me further and this information would not change or increase what I already knew.

It's great and all that he would like to spare my feelings but the truth is he lied and he withheld information. I felt excrutiating pain and devastation all over again. I wondered why in the world I should stay with this man who continues to disappoint and crush my heart. What am I doing and how much more could I take?

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned never to make a decision when the emotions are running high, whether good or bad. Decisions must be made when thinking clearly and rationally. Last night I felt defeated and empty. I thought my marriage was over because I cannot stay married to a liar. So, today at 2pm he took the lie detector test. There were a lot of people praying for us today and I felt God's overwhelming peace as I waited for the test results.

I am relieved to announce he passed the test. I am grateful he agreed to take it and I am grateful for the outcome. This has been the hardest year and a half of my life and I pray we can finally move forward once again. God has given me and my husband a second chance and I am very thankful He has bestowed such compassion and mercy when we need it the most.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

The Next Hurdle

I started typing tonight and realized it was a bunch of garbage that was spewing from my mind and filling this computer screen. I was alllowing my emotions free reign over my computer and I didn't like what I had written one bit. The goal of my journaling is to track my progress and healing so that I can look back and see how far I've come. It is not to dwell on the negative or to live in the darkness. It's to continue moving forward, not backwards.

I've heard many times how important it is to have an attitude of gratitude and how life changing this simple switch in perception can alter one's life. I have become such a pessimist over the last year or so and it's driving me crazy. I don't want people to look at me or know me as the grumpy lady. I want people to look at me and be drawn to me for the positivity and joy that radiates from my heart.

We have a big hurdle to overcome this week and it's imperative for my healing. I have asked my husband to take a lie detector test so that I can begin trusting him again. He has agreed to take the test but he is disappointed in my decision to have him take it now. He feels this is a slap in the face and discounts all the changes and hard work he has done over the past year and a half. He is hurt that I still do not trust him even a tiny bit. The truth is, I really like this new man he has become. He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband but can I trust that it's real? Can I trust the changes are permanent and can I trust him again?

In my mind, I have decided if he passes the lie detector test then I will slowly begin to trust him again. I know it sounds crazy but I'm a realist and I need evidence of his truthfulness. Right now, this test seems to be the only way to obtain it. I know these tests are not 100% reliable but I pray we will have a positive outcome. I'm tired of living in the past and I'm ready to accept the present and work towards the future.

Wish us luck and say a prayer for God's hand to be upon us as we leap over this next hurdle. My husband is confident he will pass and I pray that he does.

Love's Suffering

It's so easy to get down on myself right now. All it takes is an unkind word, a misconstrued perception, a spark of a negative emotion and it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it's just waking up to a gloomy morning that sets me spiraling in the wrong direction.

I never realized how insecure I could become until I found out about my husband's unfaithfulness. It's interesting because I don't think people realize how devastating infidelity is to a marriage and to the betrayed spouse. So many times I hear how lucky I am that my husband has put it all behind him. Other times I hear what a wonderful husband I have and how I should get over it for the sake of my marriage - after all, he's a changed man and he's doing things right this time. I shouldn't be so mean to him or so hard on him. I need to give him a break.

Other's are in amazement that I'm still with my husband. They can't believe I'm stupid enough to stay when he's such a loser and will obviously do it again. They see him as the enemy who is evil and could never be redeemed. They judge me for trying to reconcile my marriage and to be obedient to God. They think it's silly and irrational.

I'm sure I have this "you have got to be kidding" look when these words are spoken to me. After all, most of these people have no first hand experience with this subject yet they offer tons of advice on something they know nothing about. It's easy to criticize someone when you are on the outside looking in but it's another matter entirely when it's you dealing with it.

It would be nice to be able to put it all behind me but the truth is, it hurts. I feel inadequate and incompetent to deal with my emotions and my situation. I find myself wondering if I had made different choices if I would be suffering the consequences as I am now. I find myself envious of other people and the life they live.

I read the perfect devotional today from God's Purpose for Every Woman called Competition or Mission? by Rachel Olsen. She pointed out the fact that "God did not create us to live someone else's life. He gave us each our own mission, and He's gifted us uniquely for it".

This is the life God called me to live. He did not desire or cause my husband to be unfaithful - my husband did that all on his own. The hardest part is living my life without bitterness and anger and instead living it with love and compassion. It's really about discovering who I am in Christ and living life to the fullest - knowing and trusting God to guide me every step of the way.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8 NKJV

God's Plan

Life is pretty crazy sometimes. I'm happy to report I survived Valentine's Day but I did not write my husband a love letter. Basically, I feel ok with that even though I really wanted to write it, I just couldn't find the words. It didn't makes sense to give him something that would make him sad instead of happy so I decided not to force the issue.

We had a busy weekend. Both of our girls had basketball games and then we decided to venture over to look at a new house. The house was beautiful and had everything we desired, 4 bedrooms, game room, media room, large kitchen and the best part, it was on an acre lot. The price was good and the builder was eager to sell. If only it were that easy...

We have searched and searched for a new home. We were very lucky (Divine Intervention) to have sold our house last April right before the market started to crash. We were getting ready to sign a contract to build a new home when we both felt God was telling us to wait. We had about a week before we closed on our existing home and we had no idea what we were going to do. We didn't want our girls to change schools twice so it was important for us to keep them at the same school. Luck would have it (another Divine Intervention), the very next day, a house in our neighborhood came on the market for rent and we immediatly rented it.

It's truly amazing how faithful God is to our situation when we allow Him the opportunity to reveal His plan to us. So many times we take things into our own hands and force opportunities to arise instead of waiting for His direction. So many times we screw it up and create a much bigger mess for Him to clean up. So many times we make it more difficult than He ever intended causing undue pain and hardship.

I started feeling down about our housing situation since we have waited a long time to be able to purchase a bigger home for our family. My husband will be laid off work the end of this month so we are unable to put an offer on the new home we found. Thankfully, I have a good job that will pay the bills while he searches for new employment. Instead of being disgruntled, I need to be grateful for all God has given us. We have a lot to be thankful for and I have no doubt God will answer our prayer for a new home. Right now, He has other plans for us and I pray we will be obedient and seek Him instead of our own desires. God is good!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Three days to be exact. Three days to figure out what I'm supposed to do for my husband...I say for him because I feel called to do something especially nice for him. I feel a bit out of my territory on this one. I'm having a difficult time conjuring up lovie - dovie ideas but what keeps popping into my head is to write him a love letter.

So, today after work ended, I sat down at my desk and started to type. It was no good. I couldn't think of anything to write. I started to write about my feelings and before I knew it I was back to the negativity, not the love I wanted to profess. Ughhhh, this was much harder than I expected so I deleted my "love note" and shut down the laptop. On my way home, I tried to think of all the wonderful things I could say and then I realized, I've forgotten how to be mushy, sentimental and over the top in love. I have built these walls around my heart and mind and it's going to take God to knock them down.

The interesting thing is I feel good about Valentine's Day this year. I desire to have a fun filled day with my husband and children to celebrate our love as a family. It's a little weird (and scary) to feel this way. Last year at this time I was not in a good place at all. I remember going to the Hallmark store to look for a card and bursting into tears. Every card I picked up was professing undying, unfailing, committed love for each other. My stomach churned with every card I opened until I knew for sure I was going to puke. So I ran as fast as I could out of that store and to my car. It was a terrible feeling and I remember sitting in the parking lot crying my eyes out.

I don't remember much else about last year's Valentine's Day except one of my husband's gifts. He had hand written me a letter from his heart that had everything I longed to hear - his love for me, his remorse & sorrow, his regret, his hope for the future, his commitment to me. It was the saddest and most precious letter. He had no idea how I longed for those words.

Now here I am a year later, knowing I need to write him a love letter. Knowing he needs to read loving, affirming, committed words from my heart - to know I still love him after all that has happened. The words are stuck but I know they are not the roadblock, it's FEAR. So the question battles within me, will I allow fear to control my actions or will I step out in faith and trust God to tear down these walls?

The Mind Games

It's kind of funny how desperately I strive for contentment and peace in my marriage and yet when I get it, I can't accept it and end up worrying - thinking I must have missed something. Isn't that how we are though? Never satisfied with what we have or second guessing when we finally receive it.

As I mentioned in my previous posts, I am a year and a half out from discovering my husband's infidelity. Right now, I'm in a good place and feeling positive about things. However, earlier today I caught myself second guessing my contentment. For some reason I seem to think I don't deserve this peace or it is way too easy and therefore something must be wrong. He must be sinning and hiding it better, he must be lying to me, or he doesn't love me, and on & on. The thoughts start swirling around in my brain creating tidal waves of emotions.

I could continue this dialogue in my head all night and the sad thing is I could eventually (and rather easily) convince myself of a false reality. It's hard to look at the facts when my mind is distorted with emotions and fear. Normally, when I get like this I tend to lash out unmercifully at my husband. After all, he's the reason I feel this way. Aren't I entititled to vent my anger and pain? Shouldn't he have to pay for what he's done? Shouldn't he suffer for the pain he's caused? He doesn't deserve me or our family... Luckily, I chose not to take that road today and eventually the thoughts subsided.

Those are just a few of the never ending thoughts tossing around in my head. I think it's fairly accurate to say most betrayed spouses experience the same thoughts. One thing I have learned from my journey is that I cannot allow my thoughts and emotions to rule my life. Yes, I am allowed to vent my anger and pain but I am not allowed to sin when venting. Yes, my husband will have to account for what he has done but I am not his judge - only God has that right because God knows his heart. Who am I to think my husband is not suffering for the pain he has caused. He has to live with the guilt and knowledge of what he's done every single day. Who am I to be so bold as to think he doesn't deserve me or our family when Jesus died on that cross for all of our sins. Jesus didn't randomly select a few people to save, he saves us all if we choose to accept Him.

It's easy to get caught up in the self righteous snare but the truth is I am no better than he is. We are both sinners and fall short of the glory of God. I am thankful for God's mercy and grace. I am thankful God has a better plan for me than the one I developed in my mind. I am thankful my husband is remorseful and that his actions line up with his words. I am thankful my husband is becoming the man God intended him to be and changing from the inside out. No matter what our circumstances may indicate, God is still in control.

Online Book Club

One of my favorite activities is reading. There is nothing better than curling up with a good book, a skinny latte and my purring cat to bring a smile to my face. Reading has always been a huge part of my life. I used to read two books a week but now I'm lucky to finish one or two a month.

Reading has always been very therapeutic and it keeps me sane. It gives me an outlet to release my emotions and it gives me a reason to temporarily forget my problems. When my marriage started falling apart I read everything I could about infidelity, betrayal and healing. After a while my mind just couldn't take the seriousness any longer. I grew hungry for a variety of books but I felt guilty if I read something fun and light hearted. I no longer enjoyed this simple pleasure, after all, how could I laugh or be happy at a time like this. Slowly, I was able to start reading other subjects again and now I read a large variety of fiction and nonfiction books that are not about infidelity.

I discovered a great resource for finding good books through an online book club called DearReader.com. Suzanne Beecher started this book club to get people reading again. When you have time check out the website and sign up for a book club. Each day she will email a 5-minute portion of a book for you to sample (the first few chapters), with a different book each week. The best part, there are always fun and exciting things happening like new books, giveaways, chocolate chip cookies delivered to your door and lots of recipes. Click on the happy book image on the left sidebar or visit the book club at http://www.dearreader.com/.

I am not promoting this book club for any other reason than to give you a break to read. There are no kickbacks, no hassles, no problems. So check it out. It's free and most importantly it might inspire you to start reading again.

Set apart to be different

People can be such downers. I realize this more and more everyday how quickly we jump to conclusions, point out the negatives, misunderstand others, squash their dreams, and secretly hope they will fail. Sometimes we do this consciously and other times we are completely unaware of what we are doing to others. I had a strong conviction the other day to stop "being a downer" when I didn't even realize I was doing it. In my mind I was simply revealing the "better option", stating the "obvious conclusion" or better yet, trying to persuade someone to "embrace my opinions".

I think too often we are are misunderstood and criticized by people who don't take the time to get to know us on the inside. They look at the exterior or our circumstances and they draw their own conclusion as to what is right without bothering to examine what is on the inside, the heart, the motive, the why behind it all. It is so easy to criticize those we do not understand or those who appear different.

As Christians we are set apart for God. We are not of this world. We are aliens in a foreign country and we should be different from the rest of the world. I had an interesting conversation with my husband tonight. The highlight of our discussion included what God asks us to do as His children in Christ. If God asks us to do something considered odd or strange to most people (Christians included) and others don't agree or it's not practiced in today's world, does that make it wrong and has that person really heard from God?

I have decided it's not always about the thing God asks us to do. More than likely it is about the process that leads us to be obedient to God. It's the change God is making inside of us. It's the revelation God reveals to our hearts. It's the transformaton of our character. It's the shift in our perspective. It's God pruning our branches and refining His work of art. It's discovering all He has for us and bringing glory to His name.

We tend to take the easy road and only look at the surface of things, which causes us to be shallow and uneffective. Truth requires us to search deeper and further than we ever expected and it takes effort and sacrifice on our part. Let's be different from this world and allow God's light to shine brightly through us. Let's allow God's masterpiece to be displayed for all to see so others may come to know Him through our actions and our words. Let's stop being "downers" and start being "encouragers".

Living Free

I want to be free to be me. That's the phrase that keeps circling around in my head. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am or what I've been through. I want others to look at me and see Christ's glory shining through and I want them to want what I have. I want them to know Christ to the fullest.

I was at the bookstore the other day and read a brief paragraph from this tiny book called Hope that read, "It's not my wheelchair, my sickness, my job loss or any other circumstance that is the cross I pick up and bear daily but my attitude". The author said it much more eloquently but it has stuck with me for days. I've been examining my thoughts and attitudes since and I've realized that what I truly want is to be free - the way God intended.

My life has not turned out the way I imagined and the life I was living was basically a big, fat lie. If you haven't guessed it already, my husband has been unfaithful to me. I found out in September 2007 and it was by the grace of God that my husband ended up coming clean with all that he had done. It has been a long, slow road to reconciliation but we are living proof that God can bring good from such pain.

I remember the night I found out and I remember falling to the ground, screaming to the Lord, "Why me? Why are you doing this to me?" I remember so clearly the words echoing in my mind, "Why not me?" and then I remember the thought, "Maybe this isn't about you but about your husband's soul." I cried and wailed until I fell asleep. I remember the days that followed and I remember feeling as if I was caught in a trap unable to get free.

The problem with this whole mess wasn't so much my circumstance as it was my attitude. I was devasted and broken hearted and I was afraid. I didn't know who I was anymore and frankly, I didn't really care. My attitude was ruled by my emotions, changing from moment to moment, but my circumstances stayed the same. It wasn't until I started addressing my attitude that my circumstances started to matter less & less.

I am not diminishing the hurt or the pain because it was and is very real. God calls us to a higher standard and sometimes we have to accept the things we do not understand and trust God to make it right. I'm one of the lucky ones, whose husband has repented and is doing everything he can to make up for what he's done and to stay on the straight and narrow. I know God has asked me to stay with him when it would be so much easier for me to leave.

I also know not everyone has a happy outcome and I often question why God has allowed my husband and I to reconcile when so many other couples don't get the opportunity due to one or both unwillingness to change. Regardless of your circumstance, know that God is in control and He asks you to trust Him to make it right - whatever that may look like. Freedom comes from knowing Christ and surrendering our lives to Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6.