Believe it or not, I am typing this at a reasonable hour and even during daylight. The day was just wonderful as no school due to icy conditions which meant no work for me. My poor husband braved the ice at 5:30am though I think he enjoys the challenge of driving in it and feels manly to say he made it to work when the rest of us declined the adventure.
I'm feeling especially good today. Don't know why exactly as I haven't done much - a little vacuuming, a little cleaning and a little kiddo time. But I'll fess up and tell you the real reason but first I should give you a little background.
A few months ago, I could no longer tell my husband I loved him. It felt wrong and painful for me to say those three little words. At first it was because of my pain but then it became a way of punishing him for what he did. I didn't connect the two right away but over time I knew exactly what I was doing whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. Let me tell you what happens when you decide to withhold your love from someone: It makes you a bitter and negative person. It takes root in your heart and slowly hardens it to what Christ would have for you.
A good friend of mine pointed out my behavior the other day and I don't know if she was directing it at me or not but she made me rethink what I was doing. I was a little self righteous at first but took some time to think about what she said and it made a lot more sense than I wanted to admit.
Last night when I went to bed, I held my husband tight and whispered the words, "I love you" because it's true and I mean it. I probably should have given him a little warning or at least had the oxygen cart nearby. I think his heart stopped or at least skipped a beat. Let me tell you, his reaction was well worth my pride. After all, it was a pride thing and a selfish thing to do by not telling him.
I've said it before and my initials for this blog remind me that I am a Work In Progress. I had a hard learning experience these last few months but I vow to learn from it. At the time, it's what I thought I needed to do and now I know a better way.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Training Our Thoughts
Tonight, I'm happy to report, was a good night. No Wiching Hour or psychosis prevailed - though my husband went to sleep before I could transform into my famous Gremlin / Monster. Yes, that was a joke!
We had a really great evening with our girls - iced in from the cold weather. We were able to spend time talking and reconnecting. Rebuilding trust is a very difficult and slow process but it can be done. I was reminded tonight of how important it is to "train our thoughts". Our behavior is dictated by our thoughts. If our thoughts are in order and aligned with God then our behavior should follow.
One of my greatest struggles is controlling my thoughts and keeping my mind in check. I often have to remember Ephesians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
I have so much to be grateful for in my life and it would do me well to remember those things more frequently. God has blessed me greatly and I need to take a moment to thank Him for who He. It's easy to let my mind linger on the things of this world but it's time to set my mind on things above - as Rick Warren said, "It's not about me".
We had a really great evening with our girls - iced in from the cold weather. We were able to spend time talking and reconnecting. Rebuilding trust is a very difficult and slow process but it can be done. I was reminded tonight of how important it is to "train our thoughts". Our behavior is dictated by our thoughts. If our thoughts are in order and aligned with God then our behavior should follow.
One of my greatest struggles is controlling my thoughts and keeping my mind in check. I often have to remember Ephesians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
I have so much to be grateful for in my life and it would do me well to remember those things more frequently. God has blessed me greatly and I need to take a moment to thank Him for who He. It's easy to let my mind linger on the things of this world but it's time to set my mind on things above - as Rick Warren said, "It's not about me".
Monday, January 26, 2009
One of Those Days...
You ever have just one of those days when you want to bury your head under the covers and stay there as long as possible? I had one of those days. It didn't help that it was 38 degrees out and misting all day and I had come off of a bad night with my husband. Oh, yes, the Witching Hour happened again around midnight. I was exhausted and not feeling well and I just lost it. My poor husband ended up on the couch around 1am probably wondering how in the world he got there in the first place!
I'm ashamed to admit it but I was pretty much a complete monster! I pulled out all the big guns, fully loaded and fired away! Nothing was off limits and everthing was back on the table. I'm sure he left the room thinking I was a complete wacko and wondering what in the world he is doing living with this crazy nut job.
I have to give this man a lot of credit though. He sure does know how to endure and he is comitted to making our marriage work. I guess in a way, I am testing him to see how much he will take and so far he's taken it all. I think a part of me believes that on any given day he will walk out those doors and never come back. Not once has he ever hinted or suggested that leaving is an option. As a matter of fact, he is dead set against it and belive me, I have tried to push him out those doors. I guess since, he's not budging and I'm a wreck, it's time to do something about it...
Father, my prayer tonight is that You will greatly soften my heart towards my husband. I pray that You will allow me the opportunity to see my husband through Your eyes and to completely release these emotions over to You. I know I am not strong enough to overcome this by myself but with You all things are possible. I see the change in my husband but I am unwilling to believe it is for real. I pray You will give me the courage and the strength to believe what is real. I pray for discernment and wisdom to know the difference between reality and deception. I pray you will continue your good works in and through my husband. Continue to draw him near to You and show him Your ways. I pray you will restore my marriage to a greater level with a foundation that is built entirely on You. Please take away the anger and the bitterness and replace it with compassion and mercy. I pray this all in Jesus' precious name - Amen.
I'm ashamed to admit it but I was pretty much a complete monster! I pulled out all the big guns, fully loaded and fired away! Nothing was off limits and everthing was back on the table. I'm sure he left the room thinking I was a complete wacko and wondering what in the world he is doing living with this crazy nut job.
I have to give this man a lot of credit though. He sure does know how to endure and he is comitted to making our marriage work. I guess in a way, I am testing him to see how much he will take and so far he's taken it all. I think a part of me believes that on any given day he will walk out those doors and never come back. Not once has he ever hinted or suggested that leaving is an option. As a matter of fact, he is dead set against it and belive me, I have tried to push him out those doors. I guess since, he's not budging and I'm a wreck, it's time to do something about it...
Father, my prayer tonight is that You will greatly soften my heart towards my husband. I pray that You will allow me the opportunity to see my husband through Your eyes and to completely release these emotions over to You. I know I am not strong enough to overcome this by myself but with You all things are possible. I see the change in my husband but I am unwilling to believe it is for real. I pray You will give me the courage and the strength to believe what is real. I pray for discernment and wisdom to know the difference between reality and deception. I pray you will continue your good works in and through my husband. Continue to draw him near to You and show him Your ways. I pray you will restore my marriage to a greater level with a foundation that is built entirely on You. Please take away the anger and the bitterness and replace it with compassion and mercy. I pray this all in Jesus' precious name - Amen.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Witching Hour
It happened again last night. The Witching Hour came upon me and I transformed into the scary, psychotic, hateful, little Gremlin. I used to like this Gremlin, she had spunk and words...lots of words...but now I think she's pretty much a pain the rear.
I wish I could claim temporary insanity, invasion of the body snatchers or a terrible nightmare, but reality is I turn into a Gremlin without warning, which is why I call it the Witching Hour - when night falls and emotions rule. This is not my finest hour but thankfully, last night's episode was fairly mild. The Gremlin lost consciousness a few times so reality was able to peak through here and there, but oh, how easy it would be to get lost in the pool of deception & lies.
When we are on this journey to heal our hearts and to rebuild trust, it's easy to believe the lies and follow the trail of fear instead of the truth. It's during this time, the Witching Hour, when we must remain watchful and ready to combat the enemy with every weapon we possess:
"Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addion to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18
We cannot trust our emotions, which play tricks on our minds, but we can trust God's Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us to the truth.
I wish I could claim temporary insanity, invasion of the body snatchers or a terrible nightmare, but reality is I turn into a Gremlin without warning, which is why I call it the Witching Hour - when night falls and emotions rule. This is not my finest hour but thankfully, last night's episode was fairly mild. The Gremlin lost consciousness a few times so reality was able to peak through here and there, but oh, how easy it would be to get lost in the pool of deception & lies.
When we are on this journey to heal our hearts and to rebuild trust, it's easy to believe the lies and follow the trail of fear instead of the truth. It's during this time, the Witching Hour, when we must remain watchful and ready to combat the enemy with every weapon we possess:
"Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addion to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18
We cannot trust our emotions, which play tricks on our minds, but we can trust God's Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us to the truth.
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Little More Kindness, Please
Romans 12:17 "Do not repay anyone evil for evil...." v.20-21 "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink...Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Our world could use a lot more kindness. I started my day at the chiropractor, hoping he could once again fix my back. I felt much better after leaving his office but by the time I changed for work and started my morning commute, the joy I had experienced was pretty much gone. It's a sad world we live in these days. Most people are out for #1 without ever thinking of the consequences or the people they hurt along the way. It saddens me to think of what this world will be like when my children are grown. I wonder why it's so difficult for people to be kind and to take a moment out of their day to do something nice for another person.
I saw a wonderful quote today on the back of someone's shirt. It read, "If I have to choose between being right or being kind, I choose being kind everytime". I sat for a moment staring at that quote thinking how much I like to be right, how good it feels to be right. I admit, I like knowing things and feeling important. Sometimes, I like to prove a point by being right. Now I wonder how many people I have unknowingly hurt because I have felt the need to be right.
After my marriage crisis, I struggled with being kind to my husband and honestly, I struggled with being kind to my children. I was overly critical and extremely bitter. One night my daughter asked me, "Mom why don't you like me very much?". Hearing those words broke my heart because I love this little girl with all of my heart. She is my first born, my perfect angel and she doesn't even know how much I love her and value her. I vowed that night to show her kindness and unconditional love. Now, I try very hard to lift her up with my words instead of tearing her down. I've seen a difference in her attitude as well as my own.
What would happen if we intentionally extended kindness to those around us? When someone cuts us off in traffic, we just let it go. When someone is rude, we respond with compassion. When someone talks bad about us, we say a good word about them. When someone gets angry with us, we demonstrate patience. A little kindness goes a long way. Think about how much better we feel when someone has been kind to us.
When we encounter another person, we don't really know what they are going through. We haven't walked in their shoes and we don't know what life has thrown at them. Would it really hurt us to cut people some slack and extend a little kindness? Remember Paul's instructions in 1 Thessalonians 5:15, "Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." Next time let's do our best to respond with kindness and compassion instead of the alternative.
Our world could use a lot more kindness. I started my day at the chiropractor, hoping he could once again fix my back. I felt much better after leaving his office but by the time I changed for work and started my morning commute, the joy I had experienced was pretty much gone. It's a sad world we live in these days. Most people are out for #1 without ever thinking of the consequences or the people they hurt along the way. It saddens me to think of what this world will be like when my children are grown. I wonder why it's so difficult for people to be kind and to take a moment out of their day to do something nice for another person.
I saw a wonderful quote today on the back of someone's shirt. It read, "If I have to choose between being right or being kind, I choose being kind everytime". I sat for a moment staring at that quote thinking how much I like to be right, how good it feels to be right. I admit, I like knowing things and feeling important. Sometimes, I like to prove a point by being right. Now I wonder how many people I have unknowingly hurt because I have felt the need to be right.
After my marriage crisis, I struggled with being kind to my husband and honestly, I struggled with being kind to my children. I was overly critical and extremely bitter. One night my daughter asked me, "Mom why don't you like me very much?". Hearing those words broke my heart because I love this little girl with all of my heart. She is my first born, my perfect angel and she doesn't even know how much I love her and value her. I vowed that night to show her kindness and unconditional love. Now, I try very hard to lift her up with my words instead of tearing her down. I've seen a difference in her attitude as well as my own.
What would happen if we intentionally extended kindness to those around us? When someone cuts us off in traffic, we just let it go. When someone is rude, we respond with compassion. When someone talks bad about us, we say a good word about them. When someone gets angry with us, we demonstrate patience. A little kindness goes a long way. Think about how much better we feel when someone has been kind to us.
When we encounter another person, we don't really know what they are going through. We haven't walked in their shoes and we don't know what life has thrown at them. Would it really hurt us to cut people some slack and extend a little kindness? Remember Paul's instructions in 1 Thessalonians 5:15, "Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." Next time let's do our best to respond with kindness and compassion instead of the alternative.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Friendship
Ahhh, friendship is a beautiful thing. I had one very special best friend growing up in a small town in East Texas. I met her when I was in kindergarten and we still keep in touch over 32 years later. She knew everything about me and me about her. Sometimes when we would get together we never had to say a word. We just knew what the other person was thinking without ever needing verbalize our thoughts.
As I got older, married and had children, I lost the important connection of having good friends. I had "friends" but not ones I would trust completely or share my inner most secrets. I began praying to God to please give me good friends who will "get me" so I can share life with them. God answered my prayers and gave me several amazing friends.
I am so blessed to have these precious ladies in my life. They have helped me through some very difficult times and have always encouraged me and spoken the truth to me. We laugh together and we cry together. We are here for each other through the thick and the thin, no matter what circumstance may arise, we can count on each other for support and encouragement.
I met with these ladies tonight and we shared many stories and struggles of what is going on in our lives. All of us have gone through trying times and some are facing tough decisions. My heart goes out to these women who have bared their souls to me and allowed me a place in their heart. You are all so amazing and so strong. Christ shines brightly through each one of you and I am extremely grateful to be your friend.
As I got older, married and had children, I lost the important connection of having good friends. I had "friends" but not ones I would trust completely or share my inner most secrets. I began praying to God to please give me good friends who will "get me" so I can share life with them. God answered my prayers and gave me several amazing friends.
I am so blessed to have these precious ladies in my life. They have helped me through some very difficult times and have always encouraged me and spoken the truth to me. We laugh together and we cry together. We are here for each other through the thick and the thin, no matter what circumstance may arise, we can count on each other for support and encouragement.
I met with these ladies tonight and we shared many stories and struggles of what is going on in our lives. All of us have gone through trying times and some are facing tough decisions. My heart goes out to these women who have bared their souls to me and allowed me a place in their heart. You are all so amazing and so strong. Christ shines brightly through each one of you and I am extremely grateful to be your friend.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Fear
I come from a long line of worriers. It's thick in my blood. It's what I'm good at. It's what I excel at. I drive my husband nuts with all the worrying I do. He has no need to worry because I more than cover it for the both of us...and our children...and our cats...and our extended family...and our friends! Honestly, it's ridiculous and I admit, I have a problem.
Sometimes I am consumed by great fear. Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of what might happen. Fear of what might not happen. Fear, fear, fear. The list goes on and on. I know I shouldn't fear so much but at times I find myself stuck in the cycle of fear.
Jesus tells us "not to fear for He has overcome the world". The Bible tells us over and over "Do not be afraid". Yet, I continue to fear. The current economy situation does not help my fears at all. There is bad news lurking on every corner. Bad things happening to good people. Jobs being lost, people dying and everywhere I turn, people are hurting. Why is God allowing these things to happen? Why doesn't He step in and stop the bad stuff and the pain? How can He just sit back and allow it to happen? Why doesn't He do more?
It's easy to get caught up in the question game. I get on a roll and pretty soon I can't stop. The problem with why is that there is never an answer sufficient. Once I ask why and receive an explanation then I immediately think of another question to add: Why did you allow him to do that? Because he was selfish and without God. Why didn't you stop him? Because he wouldn't have learned the lesson. Why won't you take away the pain? Because you don't trust me completely. The questions never cease...
I don't think it's the answers to the questions that I desire as much as knowing the mind of God -how He operates and what He is really doing with us here on earth. Maybe I don't desire the answers to these questions after all. Maybe I desire His truth and His Will. Maybe I desire to know Him deeply and passionately. Maybe I desire to trust Him completely.
Isn't that just like God to turn my questions into an adventure to seek Him. Thank you Lord for giving us your wonderful book, your living word. I know I will still worry but deep down I know God has my back. For He says, "Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you", Hebrews 13:5.
Sometimes I am consumed by great fear. Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear of what might happen. Fear of what might not happen. Fear, fear, fear. The list goes on and on. I know I shouldn't fear so much but at times I find myself stuck in the cycle of fear.
Jesus tells us "not to fear for He has overcome the world". The Bible tells us over and over "Do not be afraid". Yet, I continue to fear. The current economy situation does not help my fears at all. There is bad news lurking on every corner. Bad things happening to good people. Jobs being lost, people dying and everywhere I turn, people are hurting. Why is God allowing these things to happen? Why doesn't He step in and stop the bad stuff and the pain? How can He just sit back and allow it to happen? Why doesn't He do more?
It's easy to get caught up in the question game. I get on a roll and pretty soon I can't stop. The problem with why is that there is never an answer sufficient. Once I ask why and receive an explanation then I immediately think of another question to add: Why did you allow him to do that? Because he was selfish and without God. Why didn't you stop him? Because he wouldn't have learned the lesson. Why won't you take away the pain? Because you don't trust me completely. The questions never cease...
I don't think it's the answers to the questions that I desire as much as knowing the mind of God -how He operates and what He is really doing with us here on earth. Maybe I don't desire the answers to these questions after all. Maybe I desire His truth and His Will. Maybe I desire to know Him deeply and passionately. Maybe I desire to trust Him completely.
Isn't that just like God to turn my questions into an adventure to seek Him. Thank you Lord for giving us your wonderful book, your living word. I know I will still worry but deep down I know God has my back. For He says, "Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you", Hebrews 13:5.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Understanding My Purpose
Do you ever wish God would just make himself known to you in a tangible and unquestionable way? When I hear people talk so casually about how God has spoken to them about this or that I often wonder how they can hear Him so clearly when I seem to struggle with hearing His voice at all. I do believe God will sometimes hit us with a 2x4 to get our attention but more likely His voice is the quiet gentle whisper that is constantly in the background. We have to choose to hear it or we choose to ignore it.
I have not had a supernatural experience with God (though I do believe it's possible). He has chosen to reveal Himself to me in subtle and gentle ways that could easily be overlooked or thought of as just life. As I mature in my faith, I realize this is the perfect way for Him to speak to me. God tends to do things very opposite of what I (we) might imagine.
I have been struggling with why we are here on earth. After the crisis in my marriage I began to question why I'm here and what is the purpose of living on earth when it would be so much better to just die & go to heaven to a life without such pain & sorrow. I grew bitter and angry with life and with God. I began to withdraw from the Lord and finally decided to angrily ask the Lord to reveal my purpose (honestly, didn't expect much of an answer).
Today during church, God spoke to me loud and clear through our pastor. The topic was "Impact". Why are we here and How do we follow. I know it was God speaking because I felt it deep in my heart & soul. The more the pastor spoke the more attentive I became. I am here because God has called me to live for impact. My purpose is to help others know Christ and to help them fulfill their purpose in Christ. As Philipians 1 tells us, "I am here for others progress and joy in the faith. Death is my gain (to be with God) but Life is impact (to help others be with God)." It's not really about me but about other people.
You see, I have been so wrapped up in my own selfish pain that I forgot my higher calling. I lost my perspective and was dwelling on my pitiful situation. The truth is, it's my choice on how I respond. It's my choice to be angry and bitter and to allow these negative emotions to take over my life; or it's my choice to release the past to God and start living for His Kingdom.
If you are feeling down and in great dispair, call out to our Father to speak to you and to reveal Himself to you. Even if you don't really know Him but are desparate for help, call to Him. He will not ignore your cry and He will be faithful to answer you. Give Him a chance to talk to you and remember He may not always reveal Himself the way you think He should. I promise you He is always FOR YOU and WITH YOU and you can ALWAYS count on Him to bring about good from any situation or circumstance.
I have not had a supernatural experience with God (though I do believe it's possible). He has chosen to reveal Himself to me in subtle and gentle ways that could easily be overlooked or thought of as just life. As I mature in my faith, I realize this is the perfect way for Him to speak to me. God tends to do things very opposite of what I (we) might imagine.
I have been struggling with why we are here on earth. After the crisis in my marriage I began to question why I'm here and what is the purpose of living on earth when it would be so much better to just die & go to heaven to a life without such pain & sorrow. I grew bitter and angry with life and with God. I began to withdraw from the Lord and finally decided to angrily ask the Lord to reveal my purpose (honestly, didn't expect much of an answer).
Today during church, God spoke to me loud and clear through our pastor. The topic was "Impact". Why are we here and How do we follow. I know it was God speaking because I felt it deep in my heart & soul. The more the pastor spoke the more attentive I became. I am here because God has called me to live for impact. My purpose is to help others know Christ and to help them fulfill their purpose in Christ. As Philipians 1 tells us, "I am here for others progress and joy in the faith. Death is my gain (to be with God) but Life is impact (to help others be with God)." It's not really about me but about other people.
You see, I have been so wrapped up in my own selfish pain that I forgot my higher calling. I lost my perspective and was dwelling on my pitiful situation. The truth is, it's my choice on how I respond. It's my choice to be angry and bitter and to allow these negative emotions to take over my life; or it's my choice to release the past to God and start living for His Kingdom.
If you are feeling down and in great dispair, call out to our Father to speak to you and to reveal Himself to you. Even if you don't really know Him but are desparate for help, call to Him. He will not ignore your cry and He will be faithful to answer you. Give Him a chance to talk to you and remember He may not always reveal Himself the way you think He should. I promise you He is always FOR YOU and WITH YOU and you can ALWAYS count on Him to bring about good from any situation or circumstance.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Starting This Blog
About a year and a half ago I went through a life changing crisis in my marriage. My life was turned upside down and I was devasted beyond words. The life I thought I was living turned out to be a complete farce which left me feeling empty, angry, depressed, meaningless and a long list of other crazy emotional verbage. One day I was ok and the next I was in the pit of great dispair. The roller coaster ride was (and is) fast, scary and unpredictable. Now that I am finally getting used to riding a roller coaster, I decided to start this blog to track my journey and to give hope to others who are dealing with the same out of control madness.
Life is scary and life is always changing whether we like it or not. The question remains, "How will I choose to deal with the changes?". I must admit, I don't always deal with the changes very well but I am a work in progress. I want to live a good life filled with meaning, purpose & joy and I don't want to look back and wish I would have done things differently. This is the beginning of living with no regrets, knowing that I am doing the best I can with the information and skills I possess at this particular moment. In the future, I may respond differently to the same issue but I won't regret my previous actions, instead I will gain wisdom and knowledge to make better choices. As I mentioned before, I am a work in progress.
Life is scary and life is always changing whether we like it or not. The question remains, "How will I choose to deal with the changes?". I must admit, I don't always deal with the changes very well but I am a work in progress. I want to live a good life filled with meaning, purpose & joy and I don't want to look back and wish I would have done things differently. This is the beginning of living with no regrets, knowing that I am doing the best I can with the information and skills I possess at this particular moment. In the future, I may respond differently to the same issue but I won't regret my previous actions, instead I will gain wisdom and knowledge to make better choices. As I mentioned before, I am a work in progress.
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