I am so glad it's Friday! I feel like I have made it through another week and stayed on track. I walked a little over 3 miles last night in the dark with a nice strong wind. I'm sure my neighbors were wondering what the heck that crazy woman was doing walking so late. Our neighborhood has to be the darkest subdivision I've ever seen. The homes are so spread out that what little light shines from the front porch or front of the homes is minuscule. We do have a few short street lamps but they don't dispense much light. Let me tell you, it is kind of creepy walking around in the dark with all the dogs barking at me!
I love being outside getting my exercise. I strapped on my IPod and took off. About 1/3 into my workout my IPod lost its charge. I do not like walking without music. It's boring and way too quiet, except for my loud huffing & puffing! I will definitely make sure to charge that baby next time.
I feel pretty good today. My jeans are starting to feel a tad bit looser and I'm definitely feeling better. I have a love hate relationship with exercise. I absolutely hate doing it but I love the feeling afterwards. I just need to figure out how to stop hating it so much during the process.
I ate more veggies yesterday and stayed within my calorie count. Today, I plan to eat well and exercise again tonight. I will probably hop on the spin bike and ride for an hour. Nothing like some fast pedaling to get the blood pumping.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Daily Challenge to Stay on Track
Last night did not go as planned. I went home from work with a horrible stomach ache. I was all psyched to work out but by the time I got home all I wanted to do was hit the bed. God bless my husband for taking care of dinner and the girls. He is a lifesaver!
I'm so obsessed with losing weight right now that I was just devastated that I didn't feel well enough to exercise. I got on the scale this morning and somehow I think it should miraculously go down but it didn't - it's still the same.
It is so easy to put on the weight and so hard to take it off. Now that I'm 39 my metabolism is super slow and I'm realizing that I will have to step it up a notch to get back to where I was. It's such a bummer!
I struggle with eating every day and wonder why I'm so obsessed with food. Food should be for fuel not for emotional fulfillment. I know I'm not alone in this but it really stinks! My body is God's temple and I must take good care of it. Slowly but surely I'm doing better everyday.
Today, my goal is to eat more veggies and make myself work out tonight. It may be the spin bike (if my rear can tolerate it) or it may be the 30 day shred. I'm anxious for the weekend so I can walk my awesome dogs. They need the exercise just as much as I do.
What's your goal today? Eating smaller portions, skipping fast food, working out, passing on the candy? Little by little we will get there!
I'm so obsessed with losing weight right now that I was just devastated that I didn't feel well enough to exercise. I got on the scale this morning and somehow I think it should miraculously go down but it didn't - it's still the same.
It is so easy to put on the weight and so hard to take it off. Now that I'm 39 my metabolism is super slow and I'm realizing that I will have to step it up a notch to get back to where I was. It's such a bummer!
I struggle with eating every day and wonder why I'm so obsessed with food. Food should be for fuel not for emotional fulfillment. I know I'm not alone in this but it really stinks! My body is God's temple and I must take good care of it. Slowly but surely I'm doing better everyday.
Today, my goal is to eat more veggies and make myself work out tonight. It may be the spin bike (if my rear can tolerate it) or it may be the 30 day shred. I'm anxious for the weekend so I can walk my awesome dogs. They need the exercise just as much as I do.
What's your goal today? Eating smaller portions, skipping fast food, working out, passing on the candy? Little by little we will get there!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
New Direction
Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything. So much has happened that I don't know where to begin. My husband lost his job out of the blue (which is so common these days) back in July. He's been a stay at home dad ever since even though he is diligently looking for a job. He's had a few interviews but no bites yet. I must say though, it's been a great learning experience (how far we can stretch a dollar) and it has worked out tremendously well for our kids.
I decided it's time to take my blogging in a new direction. Honestly, I'm bored with talking about my pain and frustration in my marriage and a big part of the problem is my attitude. I need to focus on me instead of him.
I decided the first thing I need to do is lose some weight. I'm really disgusted with myself right now since I let myself go. I used to ride my spin bike 3-4 days a week and walk on alternate days. Now I'm lucky to get in any exercise. I've been on an emotional eating binge for over a year and a half and gained 25 lbs. I feel terrible and look terrible in my eyes.
Last week was the beginning of a new me. I completely cut out all fast food and set an exercise goal of working out at least 2 times. I set my calorie intact at 1200 to jump start my diet. I met my goal and even survived Halloween candy.
This week I feel much better. I'm down a couple of pounds and rode my spin bike twice already. Tonight I plan to do the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. I hear it's a great work out and will be a nice change to spinning.
If anyone is up to the task, join me in my adventure to become a healthier, happier person. All it takes is one positive change in the right direction.
I decided it's time to take my blogging in a new direction. Honestly, I'm bored with talking about my pain and frustration in my marriage and a big part of the problem is my attitude. I need to focus on me instead of him.
I decided the first thing I need to do is lose some weight. I'm really disgusted with myself right now since I let myself go. I used to ride my spin bike 3-4 days a week and walk on alternate days. Now I'm lucky to get in any exercise. I've been on an emotional eating binge for over a year and a half and gained 25 lbs. I feel terrible and look terrible in my eyes.
Last week was the beginning of a new me. I completely cut out all fast food and set an exercise goal of working out at least 2 times. I set my calorie intact at 1200 to jump start my diet. I met my goal and even survived Halloween candy.
This week I feel much better. I'm down a couple of pounds and rode my spin bike twice already. Tonight I plan to do the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. I hear it's a great work out and will be a nice change to spinning.
If anyone is up to the task, join me in my adventure to become a healthier, happier person. All it takes is one positive change in the right direction.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
New Schools
Well life has been a bit crazy around here lately. School finally wrapped up along with all the extra activities. I think the school year ended on a good note and my girls were happy to move up a grade. The next hurdle will be enrolling them in their new school and getting through the attitude of starting a new school.
I oscillate between being worried and knowing it will all work out. I'm sure most of you can relate to that scenario. My 9 year old is a social butterfly. She never meets a stranger and is willing to "put herself out there" to make friends. My 12 year old on the other hand is a bit more reserved and fenced in. She's a beautiful tween who is just starting to figure out who she is and where she belongs. I'm praying that she will love her new school and that it will be an easy transition for her. Most of all I pray she will meet good, Christian friends she can pal around with and feel like she belongs.
I remember growing up and moving my sophomore year. That's a tough year to move and to make matters worse I moved from the south to the north. I never paid much attention to the differences until I realized I didn't talk the same or act the same. It was a tough year and the sad thing is I was excited about moving to a big city with greater opportunities. It scarred me for life but the good news is a few years of therapy and I was OK again...just kidding. High School had it's challenges but college was great!
I have to keep reminding myself that I figured it out and so will my children. Their young enough to have plenty of time to make new friends and feel part of the community. My goal is to continue to pray for both of them and to give them opportunities to make an impact in our small town. I want them to know there is more to worry about than just ourselves. Life can be beautiful if we just let it!
I oscillate between being worried and knowing it will all work out. I'm sure most of you can relate to that scenario. My 9 year old is a social butterfly. She never meets a stranger and is willing to "put herself out there" to make friends. My 12 year old on the other hand is a bit more reserved and fenced in. She's a beautiful tween who is just starting to figure out who she is and where she belongs. I'm praying that she will love her new school and that it will be an easy transition for her. Most of all I pray she will meet good, Christian friends she can pal around with and feel like she belongs.
I remember growing up and moving my sophomore year. That's a tough year to move and to make matters worse I moved from the south to the north. I never paid much attention to the differences until I realized I didn't talk the same or act the same. It was a tough year and the sad thing is I was excited about moving to a big city with greater opportunities. It scarred me for life but the good news is a few years of therapy and I was OK again...just kidding. High School had it's challenges but college was great!
I have to keep reminding myself that I figured it out and so will my children. Their young enough to have plenty of time to make new friends and feel part of the community. My goal is to continue to pray for both of them and to give them opportunities to make an impact in our small town. I want them to know there is more to worry about than just ourselves. Life can be beautiful if we just let it!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Save our Marriages
I know I say this all of the time but our marriages are in BIG trouble. Satan is using marriage as his big battlefield and by the looks of it he's winning. Now I know that God has our back and I know in the end God prevails and justice is served. But in the interim, why are we allowing Satan to defeat us? Why are we giving him the power to control our lives? We should be living for our King not bowing to to the prince of this world!
This week alone several people I met or have encountered are going through a divorce or major marital strife. The easy answer seems to be walk away and find what feels good. I want to scream, "GROW UP!" Marriage is not easy, marriage is not constant bliss, marriage not something to try on and if it doesn't fit you discard, marriage is a commitment - a covenant- an everlasting bond. It's til death do us part - AMEN!
This world is becoming more and more perverted. The institute of marriage is disintegrating into something unrecognizable. We need to be intentional in our marriage. We need to pray for our marriage and for others' marriages. We need to teach people what it means to be a husband and a wife. We need to take responsibility for our own actions and stop being so selfish!
This week alone several people I met or have encountered are going through a divorce or major marital strife. The easy answer seems to be walk away and find what feels good. I want to scream, "GROW UP!" Marriage is not easy, marriage is not constant bliss, marriage not something to try on and if it doesn't fit you discard, marriage is a commitment - a covenant- an everlasting bond. It's til death do us part - AMEN!
This world is becoming more and more perverted. The institute of marriage is disintegrating into something unrecognizable. We need to be intentional in our marriage. We need to pray for our marriage and for others' marriages. We need to teach people what it means to be a husband and a wife. We need to take responsibility for our own actions and stop being so selfish!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Anxiously in Awe
I am feeling so anxious right now! Believe it or not, it has nothing to do with my marriage. This is weird territory for me because I'm excited and nervous about something completely off subject...a new house!
We have been searching for a new home for well over two years. Those who know me understand our predicament as far as feeling convicted that God wanted us to wait. We ended up cancelling out of two contracts because we did not feel peace and realized we could not force the issue. We had to wait on the Lord.
We decided to re-start our home search right before Christmas. We found the perfect home on an acre with a pool and it had everything else we wanted. The bad thing was we were bidding against multiple offers and had no idea what the other bids would be. The home was a foreclosure so that added a little spice to things. Unfortunately, we ended up being the 2nd highest bidder and missed out on the home by under a $1,000. What a bummer!
Then, the most amazing thing happened. Our realtor contacted us last week to inform us the buyer of that home had to cancel the contract so the home was back on the market. We submitted another offer and the bank accepted! We are now under contract for this AWESOME home!
I have been so thankful and so grateful for this chain of events. God has perfect timing and the wait has turned into a many blessings. One, we are extremely grateful and humbled by this opportunity. Two, this allows our kids the opportunity to finish out the school year at their current school. Three, we do not have to break our lease and only have a couple of months overlap. Four, it put back in perspective that God is who I need to be looking too and not myself. This would not have happened if He didn't allow it. Five, we wouldn't be in this great situation if we had heeded our own selfish desires. We would be in a home that we "settled" for instead of waiting to see what God would do. The list goes on & on.
I really feel I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this. I honestly never thought we'd find something like this or even be in a position to get it. I'm still in awe over what has transpired. I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up for fear something will go wrong. In the end, if it does, I know I'll be fine. I'll be very disappointed but I will be fine. What's more important is that I listen and obey what God desires for me.
We have been searching for a new home for well over two years. Those who know me understand our predicament as far as feeling convicted that God wanted us to wait. We ended up cancelling out of two contracts because we did not feel peace and realized we could not force the issue. We had to wait on the Lord.
We decided to re-start our home search right before Christmas. We found the perfect home on an acre with a pool and it had everything else we wanted. The bad thing was we were bidding against multiple offers and had no idea what the other bids would be. The home was a foreclosure so that added a little spice to things. Unfortunately, we ended up being the 2nd highest bidder and missed out on the home by under a $1,000. What a bummer!
Then, the most amazing thing happened. Our realtor contacted us last week to inform us the buyer of that home had to cancel the contract so the home was back on the market. We submitted another offer and the bank accepted! We are now under contract for this AWESOME home!
I have been so thankful and so grateful for this chain of events. God has perfect timing and the wait has turned into a many blessings. One, we are extremely grateful and humbled by this opportunity. Two, this allows our kids the opportunity to finish out the school year at their current school. Three, we do not have to break our lease and only have a couple of months overlap. Four, it put back in perspective that God is who I need to be looking too and not myself. This would not have happened if He didn't allow it. Five, we wouldn't be in this great situation if we had heeded our own selfish desires. We would be in a home that we "settled" for instead of waiting to see what God would do. The list goes on & on.
I really feel I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this. I honestly never thought we'd find something like this or even be in a position to get it. I'm still in awe over what has transpired. I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up for fear something will go wrong. In the end, if it does, I know I'll be fine. I'll be very disappointed but I will be fine. What's more important is that I listen and obey what God desires for me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Seeing Things Rightly
I had the oddest analogy pop in my head today. I'm reading this book in my women's group at church called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. In the first chapter he talks about seeing things rightly and how when our dreams are shattered we wonder why God didn't do something about it. We end up living an empty, miserable, bitter life wondering what if God had done something instead of nothing. At the end of the chapter he brings up the idea of seeing things rightly and that's when this thought popped in my mind.
It's very easy to fall into the woes me mode, blaming God for doing nothing, when all along He's working things out for our greater good but we don't have eyes to see just yet. As a believer, we may not see things clearly until we get to heaven but I firmly believe God gives us glimpses of what He's doing.
The crazy thought that popped in my mind is this: I have a cat named Snowbiscuit. She was given to us when she was less than 8 weeks old. She was solid white except for the very tip of her tail that was a light gray. I never really wanted a white cat as I didn't find them very beautiful. The cool thing is she has a great personality and loves her family, especially the kids. As she became assimilated into our family her color grew on me but I never really found her very pretty like other cats. Over time the most amazing thing happened, her color started to change. There were no spots on this cat anywhere except for the very tip of her tail. I have no idea where her coloring came from but slowly over several years she developed into a gorgeous calico cat. This may sound silly but it provides a great visual for me. All I saw when I looked at Snowbiscuit was a plain white cat with a unique personality. God saw so much more. He made a beautiful creature which He clothed in a multitude of colors. Unfortunately, with my limited vision I couldn't see it until she physically changed. God on the other hand already knew what she would turn into.
Over the past two years I pretty much developed a pessimistic attitude. I convinced myself that I had to see the worst scenario because anything else was not reality and I was just fooling myself. But what if I changed my thinking and started to see the positives and the beauty. Would I be fooling myself every time? Would I be living in a false reality or delusional? How much better would my life be if I started to see things differently? Would I be happier or sadder? Is there really anything wrong with seeing the bright side of things and believing change is possible? Change happened before my eyes with my cat. Change is happening before my eyes with my husband. Could it be that I haven't been seeing things rightly after all?
Maybe it's time I start asking God to uncover my eyes so I can see things from His perspective. Maybe it's time to stop what I've been doing, which hasn't worked too well, and see if there is a better way.
It's very easy to fall into the woes me mode, blaming God for doing nothing, when all along He's working things out for our greater good but we don't have eyes to see just yet. As a believer, we may not see things clearly until we get to heaven but I firmly believe God gives us glimpses of what He's doing.
The crazy thought that popped in my mind is this: I have a cat named Snowbiscuit. She was given to us when she was less than 8 weeks old. She was solid white except for the very tip of her tail that was a light gray. I never really wanted a white cat as I didn't find them very beautiful. The cool thing is she has a great personality and loves her family, especially the kids. As she became assimilated into our family her color grew on me but I never really found her very pretty like other cats. Over time the most amazing thing happened, her color started to change. There were no spots on this cat anywhere except for the very tip of her tail. I have no idea where her coloring came from but slowly over several years she developed into a gorgeous calico cat. This may sound silly but it provides a great visual for me. All I saw when I looked at Snowbiscuit was a plain white cat with a unique personality. God saw so much more. He made a beautiful creature which He clothed in a multitude of colors. Unfortunately, with my limited vision I couldn't see it until she physically changed. God on the other hand already knew what she would turn into.
Over the past two years I pretty much developed a pessimistic attitude. I convinced myself that I had to see the worst scenario because anything else was not reality and I was just fooling myself. But what if I changed my thinking and started to see the positives and the beauty. Would I be fooling myself every time? Would I be living in a false reality or delusional? How much better would my life be if I started to see things differently? Would I be happier or sadder? Is there really anything wrong with seeing the bright side of things and believing change is possible? Change happened before my eyes with my cat. Change is happening before my eyes with my husband. Could it be that I haven't been seeing things rightly after all?
Maybe it's time I start asking God to uncover my eyes so I can see things from His perspective. Maybe it's time to stop what I've been doing, which hasn't worked too well, and see if there is a better way.
Monday, February 8, 2010
A New Day
I think I'm finally beginning to "get it". I honestly believe I have come out of the fog and I am truly learning to live life again. I'm learning what is most important and I am learning I will make a lot of mistakes but tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. There is a Bible verse that keeps popping in my mind about tomorrow that the sun will rise in the morning. Tomorrow is a new day...
I like the idea that tomorrow the sun will rise and morning will come. The mistakes I've made today will be in the past. The sun will shine light on a new way, a new start, a new beginning. I wonder if that is how my husband feels too. I wonder if he looks back on the past and wishes it would disappear. How horrible that I sometimes make him live in the morbid past, for he is a new creation in Christ and he is forgiven. How wonderful it is to be forgiven!
Perhaps I'm starting to see my husband in a new light or perhaps I'm starting to see myself in a new light. I'm tired of living in the darkness filled with pain. I'm ready to let the light shine in!
Praise to the Father who was and is and who is to come!!! For He is worthy of all of our praise!!! For He does things I cannot fathom and extends His great mercy to those who do not deserve it. He loves us anyway and in Him there is no condemnation! Thank you Father for your great mercy and compassion. Thank you for never giving up on us!!!
I like the idea that tomorrow the sun will rise and morning will come. The mistakes I've made today will be in the past. The sun will shine light on a new way, a new start, a new beginning. I wonder if that is how my husband feels too. I wonder if he looks back on the past and wishes it would disappear. How horrible that I sometimes make him live in the morbid past, for he is a new creation in Christ and he is forgiven. How wonderful it is to be forgiven!
Perhaps I'm starting to see my husband in a new light or perhaps I'm starting to see myself in a new light. I'm tired of living in the darkness filled with pain. I'm ready to let the light shine in!
Praise to the Father who was and is and who is to come!!! For He is worthy of all of our praise!!! For He does things I cannot fathom and extends His great mercy to those who do not deserve it. He loves us anyway and in Him there is no condemnation! Thank you Father for your great mercy and compassion. Thank you for never giving up on us!!!
Friday, January 29, 2010
It's a chilly, wet day today. My children were hoping for a "snow day" or at the very least a school delay. They were a bit disappointed the weather did not cooperate but grateful that it's Friday! It's been a long week for all of us. The days seem to drag on. I wondered if Friday would ever arrive.
We have a lot happening in our family right now. We are house hunting - searching for the perfect home on an acre lot. This is proving very problematic as there is not a lot of inventory in our price range. We are busy with our kids activities and school. I started grad school last semester and my brain is proving to be a little slower than it used to be! My husband is busy with his job and travels here and there. Thankfully, it's not very often or I might go insane! We are busy with our church group and finding time to bond as a family. Nothing out of the ordinary from any other family but it makes me wonder how other people seem to handle the chaos with such finesse.
My latest struggle is house cleaning. It's amazing how quickly the house becomes a dump and I can spend hours and hours cleaning to have it messed up in 20 minutes flat! We finally hired a cleaning service this past week to do a detailed clean of the entire house. It smelled so good when we came home and it shined. Honestly, I keep a pretty clean house since my kids call me the annoying neat freak but it sure was nice to have the little things done for me such as the baseboards, nooks & crannies, the blinds, etc. It really made me happy to have someone clean my house.
Today has turned out to be much better than I anticipated. My oldest got ready for school in plenty of time and was out the door without any major attitude mishaps. My youngest was ready way before I was and we had a nice little drive to school where she sang all her favorite songs on the way. She had me laughing out loud with her craziness and it got me thinking how much I have to be grateful for.
Today I'm doing my best to focus what I have to be grateful for:
Lord,
I am so grateful for the children you have given me.
I am so grateful you gave them very unique and opposite personalities. I enjoy both them very much!
I am so grateful for realizing the enjoyment of the small things.
I am so grateful for someone cleaning my home.
I am so grateful for morning songs and chats.
I am so grateful for another day to hopefully get right what I got wrong yesterday.
We have a lot happening in our family right now. We are house hunting - searching for the perfect home on an acre lot. This is proving very problematic as there is not a lot of inventory in our price range. We are busy with our kids activities and school. I started grad school last semester and my brain is proving to be a little slower than it used to be! My husband is busy with his job and travels here and there. Thankfully, it's not very often or I might go insane! We are busy with our church group and finding time to bond as a family. Nothing out of the ordinary from any other family but it makes me wonder how other people seem to handle the chaos with such finesse.
My latest struggle is house cleaning. It's amazing how quickly the house becomes a dump and I can spend hours and hours cleaning to have it messed up in 20 minutes flat! We finally hired a cleaning service this past week to do a detailed clean of the entire house. It smelled so good when we came home and it shined. Honestly, I keep a pretty clean house since my kids call me the annoying neat freak but it sure was nice to have the little things done for me such as the baseboards, nooks & crannies, the blinds, etc. It really made me happy to have someone clean my house.
Today has turned out to be much better than I anticipated. My oldest got ready for school in plenty of time and was out the door without any major attitude mishaps. My youngest was ready way before I was and we had a nice little drive to school where she sang all her favorite songs on the way. She had me laughing out loud with her craziness and it got me thinking how much I have to be grateful for.
Today I'm doing my best to focus what I have to be grateful for:
Lord,
I am so grateful for the children you have given me.
I am so grateful you gave them very unique and opposite personalities. I enjoy both them very much!
I am so grateful for realizing the enjoyment of the small things.
I am so grateful for someone cleaning my home.
I am so grateful for morning songs and chats.
I am so grateful for another day to hopefully get right what I got wrong yesterday.
Friday, January 8, 2010
It's been a long time...
Wow, a lot of time has past since I last wrote a post. 2009 ended up being a very difficult year and I found myself living in the pit instead of living in the light. I really had no desire to write about my struggles and I felt like everything coming out of my brain was pessimistic and foul. Nothing good was in there...nothing but anger, resentment and bitterness. Those three things have wrecked havoc on my mind and my soul. It's been a fierce battle and I've taken a lot of hits. I have been stubborn and unyielding in my behavior and I convinced myself that I had a right to be that way. I had become what I always said I would never be: The Victim.
I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry for staying in my marriage. I felt resentment toward my husband. I felt restless and unsettled and worst of all I felt lost and insignificant. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God unless I was venting about how angry I was at Him. I basically gave up trying and settled for being empty.
Thankfully, I made it to the end of the year and God didn't give up on me. He gave me several close friends who prayed for me and encouraged me by who they are. He let me wallow in my self pity as He patiently waited for me to run out of steam. Then, He gently and compassionately picked me up and wiped my tears.
I'm still trying to figure out my life and I'm slowly working out the pain. The one thing I have figured out is God is always with me and He loves me in spite of my shortcomings and my mental breakdowns. He is my one constant and He is gently and slowly showing me the path using a small lamp at my feet. I can't see very far in front of me but I think that is exactly the lesson He wants me to learn. I am not in control but He is. I don't need to know all that is up ahead of me. I just need to know that He is leading me and I am to follow. Thankfully, that is enough...
My husband has been doing all the right things. I know my emotional roller coaster has not been easy for him either. He has done his best to be supportive, attentive, transparent and honest. This past year has not been about him and his past even though I have tried to make it about that. It all boils down to ME and how I choose to behave. I was in limbo struggling with accepting the past and being able to move forward toward the future with positivity and purpose - believing that my marriage is real and true.
2010 is a new year and a new start. I like new beginnings because I can walk away from the past knowing it happened but I don't have to stay there. Living in the present is so much better. Becoming vulnerable again and learning to love again is what I need to work on. I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions but I am looking forward to a new start.
I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry for staying in my marriage. I felt resentment toward my husband. I felt restless and unsettled and worst of all I felt lost and insignificant. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God unless I was venting about how angry I was at Him. I basically gave up trying and settled for being empty.
Thankfully, I made it to the end of the year and God didn't give up on me. He gave me several close friends who prayed for me and encouraged me by who they are. He let me wallow in my self pity as He patiently waited for me to run out of steam. Then, He gently and compassionately picked me up and wiped my tears.
I'm still trying to figure out my life and I'm slowly working out the pain. The one thing I have figured out is God is always with me and He loves me in spite of my shortcomings and my mental breakdowns. He is my one constant and He is gently and slowly showing me the path using a small lamp at my feet. I can't see very far in front of me but I think that is exactly the lesson He wants me to learn. I am not in control but He is. I don't need to know all that is up ahead of me. I just need to know that He is leading me and I am to follow. Thankfully, that is enough...
My husband has been doing all the right things. I know my emotional roller coaster has not been easy for him either. He has done his best to be supportive, attentive, transparent and honest. This past year has not been about him and his past even though I have tried to make it about that. It all boils down to ME and how I choose to behave. I was in limbo struggling with accepting the past and being able to move forward toward the future with positivity and purpose - believing that my marriage is real and true.
2010 is a new year and a new start. I like new beginnings because I can walk away from the past knowing it happened but I don't have to stay there. Living in the present is so much better. Becoming vulnerable again and learning to love again is what I need to work on. I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions but I am looking forward to a new start.
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