It's been a long time...

Wow, a lot of time has past since I last wrote a post. 2009 ended up being a very difficult year and I found myself living in the pit instead of living in the light. I really had no desire to write about my struggles and I felt like everything coming out of my brain was pessimistic and foul. Nothing good was in there...nothing but anger, resentment and bitterness. Those three things have wrecked havoc on my mind and my soul. It's been a fierce battle and I've taken a lot of hits. I have been stubborn and unyielding in my behavior and I convinced myself that I had a right to be that way. I had become what I always said I would never be: The Victim.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry for staying in my marriage. I felt resentment toward my husband. I felt restless and unsettled and worst of all I felt lost and insignificant. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God unless I was venting about how angry I was at Him. I basically gave up trying and settled for being empty.

Thankfully, I made it to the end of the year and God didn't give up on me. He gave me several close friends who prayed for me and encouraged me by who they are. He let me wallow in my self pity as He patiently waited for me to run out of steam. Then, He gently and compassionately picked me up and wiped my tears.

I'm still trying to figure out my life and I'm slowly working out the pain. The one thing I have figured out is God is always with me and He loves me in spite of my shortcomings and my mental breakdowns. He is my one constant and He is gently and slowly showing me the path using a small lamp at my feet. I can't see very far in front of me but I think that is exactly the lesson He wants me to learn. I am not in control but He is. I don't need to know all that is up ahead of me. I just need to know that He is leading me and I am to follow. Thankfully, that is enough...

My husband has been doing all the right things. I know my emotional roller coaster has not been easy for him either. He has done his best to be supportive, attentive, transparent and honest. This past year has not been about him and his past even though I have tried to make it about that. It all boils down to ME and how I choose to behave. I was in limbo struggling with accepting the past and being able to move forward toward the future with positivity and purpose - believing that my marriage is real and true.

2010 is a new year and a new start. I like new beginnings because I can walk away from the past knowing it happened but I don't have to stay there. Living in the present is so much better. Becoming vulnerable again and learning to love again is what I need to work on. I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions but I am looking forward to a new start.