The Mind Games

It's kind of funny how desperately I strive for contentment and peace in my marriage and yet when I get it, I can't accept it and end up worrying - thinking I must have missed something. Isn't that how we are though? Never satisfied with what we have or second guessing when we finally receive it.

As I mentioned in my previous posts, I am a year and a half out from discovering my husband's infidelity. Right now, I'm in a good place and feeling positive about things. However, earlier today I caught myself second guessing my contentment. For some reason I seem to think I don't deserve this peace or it is way too easy and therefore something must be wrong. He must be sinning and hiding it better, he must be lying to me, or he doesn't love me, and on & on. The thoughts start swirling around in my brain creating tidal waves of emotions.

I could continue this dialogue in my head all night and the sad thing is I could eventually (and rather easily) convince myself of a false reality. It's hard to look at the facts when my mind is distorted with emotions and fear. Normally, when I get like this I tend to lash out unmercifully at my husband. After all, he's the reason I feel this way. Aren't I entititled to vent my anger and pain? Shouldn't he have to pay for what he's done? Shouldn't he suffer for the pain he's caused? He doesn't deserve me or our family... Luckily, I chose not to take that road today and eventually the thoughts subsided.

Those are just a few of the never ending thoughts tossing around in my head. I think it's fairly accurate to say most betrayed spouses experience the same thoughts. One thing I have learned from my journey is that I cannot allow my thoughts and emotions to rule my life. Yes, I am allowed to vent my anger and pain but I am not allowed to sin when venting. Yes, my husband will have to account for what he has done but I am not his judge - only God has that right because God knows his heart. Who am I to think my husband is not suffering for the pain he has caused. He has to live with the guilt and knowledge of what he's done every single day. Who am I to be so bold as to think he doesn't deserve me or our family when Jesus died on that cross for all of our sins. Jesus didn't randomly select a few people to save, he saves us all if we choose to accept Him.

It's easy to get caught up in the self righteous snare but the truth is I am no better than he is. We are both sinners and fall short of the glory of God. I am thankful for God's mercy and grace. I am thankful God has a better plan for me than the one I developed in my mind. I am thankful my husband is remorseful and that his actions line up with his words. I am thankful my husband is becoming the man God intended him to be and changing from the inside out. No matter what our circumstances may indicate, God is still in control.