Believe it or not, I am typing this at a reasonable hour and even during daylight. The day was just wonderful as no school due to icy conditions which meant no work for me. My poor husband braved the ice at 5:30am though I think he enjoys the challenge of driving in it and feels manly to say he made it to work when the rest of us declined the adventure.
I'm feeling especially good today. Don't know why exactly as I haven't done much - a little vacuuming, a little cleaning and a little kiddo time. But I'll fess up and tell you the real reason but first I should give you a little background.
A few months ago, I could no longer tell my husband I loved him. It felt wrong and painful for me to say those three little words. At first it was because of my pain but then it became a way of punishing him for what he did. I didn't connect the two right away but over time I knew exactly what I was doing whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. Let me tell you what happens when you decide to withhold your love from someone: It makes you a bitter and negative person. It takes root in your heart and slowly hardens it to what Christ would have for you.
A good friend of mine pointed out my behavior the other day and I don't know if she was directing it at me or not but she made me rethink what I was doing. I was a little self righteous at first but took some time to think about what she said and it made a lot more sense than I wanted to admit.
Last night when I went to bed, I held my husband tight and whispered the words, "I love you" because it's true and I mean it. I probably should have given him a little warning or at least had the oxygen cart nearby. I think his heart stopped or at least skipped a beat. Let me tell you, his reaction was well worth my pride. After all, it was a pride thing and a selfish thing to do by not telling him.
I've said it before and my initials for this blog remind me that I am a Work In Progress. I had a hard learning experience these last few months but I vow to learn from it. At the time, it's what I thought I needed to do and now I know a better way.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
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3 comments:
Bingo!! I can see now that you understand that when we aren't forgiving and having negative actions, we aren't only hurting our loved ones, we are hurting ourselves and holding ourselves in prison. Doesn't it feel great to be able to see that and to be set free? It just takes time to heal and get to that point. You're doing great and so is your husband!! You're passing the test....God's test!
I'd missed reading this post before. Wow... what a huge, significant thing! Brought tears to my eyes. What hearing you say those three words had to mean to HIM but also that God brought you to a place where you could say those words again.
You are both so right. It is much better to be set free and it was very significant for both of us. Now the challenge remains...keeping out of my self inflicted prison! ha!
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