I started typing tonight and realized it was a bunch of garbage that was spewing from my mind and filling this computer screen. I was alllowing my emotions free reign over my computer and I didn't like what I had written one bit. The goal of my journaling is to track my progress and healing so that I can look back and see how far I've come. It is not to dwell on the negative or to live in the darkness. It's to continue moving forward, not backwards.
I've heard many times how important it is to have an attitude of gratitude and how life changing this simple switch in perception can alter one's life. I have become such a pessimist over the last year or so and it's driving me crazy. I don't want people to look at me or know me as the grumpy lady. I want people to look at me and be drawn to me for the positivity and joy that radiates from my heart.
We have a big hurdle to overcome this week and it's imperative for my healing. I have asked my husband to take a lie detector test so that I can begin trusting him again. He has agreed to take the test but he is disappointed in my decision to have him take it now. He feels this is a slap in the face and discounts all the changes and hard work he has done over the past year and a half. He is hurt that I still do not trust him even a tiny bit. The truth is, I really like this new man he has become. He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a husband but can I trust that it's real? Can I trust the changes are permanent and can I trust him again?
In my mind, I have decided if he passes the lie detector test then I will slowly begin to trust him again. I know it sounds crazy but I'm a realist and I need evidence of his truthfulness. Right now, this test seems to be the only way to obtain it. I know these tests are not 100% reliable but I pray we will have a positive outcome. I'm tired of living in the past and I'm ready to accept the present and work towards the future.
Wish us luck and say a prayer for God's hand to be upon us as we leap over this next hurdle. My husband is confident he will pass and I pray that he does.
Monday, February 23, 2009
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2 comments:
Forgiveness is not an emotion. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. I think you are making big mistake. Does God treat us this way?
You make a very good point. Part of forgiving is working through the pain and the emotions in a healthy manner. Asking him to take the lie detector was the right thing to do. Because of this, more info. has come to light that he omitted to tell me when he confessed everything to me (after being caught). I truly felt in my heart he was holding something back & now it's out. We cannot move forward unless all of the truth has been revealed. How can I trust him if he's still lying?
Sometimes, God places obstacles in our path so that we choose the right thing. The consequences of sin are far reaching. Thanks for the reminder of how merciful our God truly is. It makes me ponder how my response should be towards my husband. I've taken myself out of the situation right now. I'll blog more about what has transpired later.
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