A New Day

I think I'm finally beginning to "get it". I honestly believe I have come out of the fog and I am truly learning to live life again. I'm learning what is most important and I am learning I will make a lot of mistakes but tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. There is a Bible verse that keeps popping in my mind about tomorrow that the sun will rise in the morning. Tomorrow is a new day...

I like the idea that tomorrow the sun will rise and morning will come. The mistakes I've made today will be in the past. The sun will shine light on a new way, a new start, a new beginning. I wonder if that is how my husband feels too. I wonder if he looks back on the past and wishes it would disappear. How horrible that I sometimes make him live in the morbid past, for he is a new creation in Christ and he is forgiven. How wonderful it is to be forgiven!

Perhaps I'm starting to see my husband in a new light or perhaps I'm starting to see myself in a new light. I'm tired of living in the darkness filled with pain. I'm ready to let the light shine in!

Praise to the Father who was and is and who is to come!!! For He is worthy of all of our praise!!! For He does things I cannot fathom and extends His great mercy to those who do not deserve it. He loves us anyway and in Him there is no condemnation! Thank you Father for your great mercy and compassion. Thank you for never giving up on us!!!

It's a chilly, wet day today. My children were hoping for a "snow day" or at the very least a school delay. They were a bit disappointed the weather did not cooperate but grateful that it's Friday! It's been a long week for all of us. The days seem to drag on. I wondered if Friday would ever arrive.

We have a lot happening in our family right now. We are house hunting - searching for the perfect home on an acre lot. This is proving very problematic as there is not a lot of inventory in our price range. We are busy with our kids activities and school. I started grad school last semester and my brain is proving to be a little slower than it used to be! My husband is busy with his job and travels here and there. Thankfully, it's not very often or I might go insane! We are busy with our church group and finding time to bond as a family. Nothing out of the ordinary from any other family but it makes me wonder how other people seem to handle the chaos with such finesse.

My latest struggle is house cleaning. It's amazing how quickly the house becomes a dump and I can spend hours and hours cleaning to have it messed up in 20 minutes flat! We finally hired a cleaning service this past week to do a detailed clean of the entire house. It smelled so good when we came home and it shined. Honestly, I keep a pretty clean house since my kids call me the annoying neat freak but it sure was nice to have the little things done for me such as the baseboards, nooks & crannies, the blinds, etc. It really made me happy to have someone clean my house.

Today has turned out to be much better than I anticipated. My oldest got ready for school in plenty of time and was out the door without any major attitude mishaps. My youngest was ready way before I was and we had a nice little drive to school where she sang all her favorite songs on the way. She had me laughing out loud with her craziness and it got me thinking how much I have to be grateful for.

Today I'm doing my best to focus what I have to be grateful for:

Lord,
I am so grateful for the children you have given me.
I am so grateful you gave them very unique and opposite personalities. I enjoy both them very much!
I am so grateful for realizing the enjoyment of the small things.
I am so grateful for someone cleaning my home.
I am so grateful for morning songs and chats.
I am so grateful for another day to hopefully get right what I got wrong yesterday.

It's been a long time...

Wow, a lot of time has past since I last wrote a post. 2009 ended up being a very difficult year and I found myself living in the pit instead of living in the light. I really had no desire to write about my struggles and I felt like everything coming out of my brain was pessimistic and foul. Nothing good was in there...nothing but anger, resentment and bitterness. Those three things have wrecked havoc on my mind and my soul. It's been a fierce battle and I've taken a lot of hits. I have been stubborn and unyielding in my behavior and I convinced myself that I had a right to be that way. I had become what I always said I would never be: The Victim.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry for staying in my marriage. I felt resentment toward my husband. I felt restless and unsettled and worst of all I felt lost and insignificant. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God unless I was venting about how angry I was at Him. I basically gave up trying and settled for being empty.

Thankfully, I made it to the end of the year and God didn't give up on me. He gave me several close friends who prayed for me and encouraged me by who they are. He let me wallow in my self pity as He patiently waited for me to run out of steam. Then, He gently and compassionately picked me up and wiped my tears.

I'm still trying to figure out my life and I'm slowly working out the pain. The one thing I have figured out is God is always with me and He loves me in spite of my shortcomings and my mental breakdowns. He is my one constant and He is gently and slowly showing me the path using a small lamp at my feet. I can't see very far in front of me but I think that is exactly the lesson He wants me to learn. I am not in control but He is. I don't need to know all that is up ahead of me. I just need to know that He is leading me and I am to follow. Thankfully, that is enough...

My husband has been doing all the right things. I know my emotional roller coaster has not been easy for him either. He has done his best to be supportive, attentive, transparent and honest. This past year has not been about him and his past even though I have tried to make it about that. It all boils down to ME and how I choose to behave. I was in limbo struggling with accepting the past and being able to move forward toward the future with positivity and purpose - believing that my marriage is real and true.

2010 is a new year and a new start. I like new beginnings because I can walk away from the past knowing it happened but I don't have to stay there. Living in the present is so much better. Becoming vulnerable again and learning to love again is what I need to work on. I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions but I am looking forward to a new start.

Proverbs 31 Woman

I have been doing a 31 day challenge to read Proverbs chapter 31 everyday for 31 days. This challenge is presented by Nancy Leigh DeMoss at http://www.reviveourhearts.com/. Each day, her website emails me a new discussion as we work through the verses of Proverbs 31. It is so good and so appropriate for healing my marriage and showing me the areas I need to work on.

It is too easy to get in the mindset of retribution - meaning my husband has to constantly be punished and make amends for what he has done. This line of thinking is completely wrong and unbiblical. I have said it before and will say it again, just because my husband has sinned does not give me the right to sin in response to his actions. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and responses daily.

One thing I have learned and felt very convicted about is Proverbs 31:12 "She brings him good and not evil all the days of her life." One of the themes discussed by Nancy Leigh DeMoss is that this verse does not say, "She does him good and not evil as long as he does her good - as long as he is kind to her, as long as he remembers her birthdays and anniversaries, as long as he meets her needs". This reminded me that I am to do good to my husband regardless of how he responds to me. I am called to love him and serve him unconditionally and for his good. This does not mean I am to be a doormat or allow him to do things contrary to God's way but I am his helper and I am to be faithful & loyal in my commitment to him.

Some would be quick to point out that my husband broke his marriage vows to me not the other way around. My response to them is I can only focus on me and live my life according to God's standard to the best of my ability through the leading of the Holy Spirit. This is not something I can do on my own, but through Christ, I can overcome the hurt, anger and sadness. I honestly believe that if I do these things then it will only make my marriage stronger and make my husband an even better man.

The other area I felt conviction is regarding my commitment to my marriage. In this discussion, Nancy Leigh DeMoss asks a very important questions, "Have you totally eliminated the D-word, divorce, from your vocabulary?" The answer in my case is no. I tend to pull out this arsenal when I am feeling the deepest pain and emotions. She goes on to tell us that we cannot be a Proverbs 31 woman if divorce is still in our vocabulary. From this point on I am removing that word from my bag of weapons.

This has been a great challenge so far and it has encouraged me to focus on myself rather than on my husband. I am grateful for the things God is revealing to me so that I can grow and change according to His Will.

Take Back Our Marriages

It is time to take back our marriages! It is time to fight the good fight and restore what has been lost! It is time for radical changes in our marriages and in our personal life!

Everyday I hear about another marriage being torn apart by infidelity, abuse, addictions, selfishness, mid-life crisis, stupidity, anger, incompatibility and well, you get the picture. The trend seems to be an endless list of excuses of why this marriage cannot survive. Because we live in a self serving, all about me society, it's no wonder marriages are failing everywhere. No one is immune to the trend, especially Christians.

As a parent, I ask myself, what values and ideals am I teaching my children about marriage and about life. Am I demonstrating that marriage is a commitment for life? Am I teaching my children to honor their commitments with a happy heart regardless of their feelings? Am I teaching them through my actions to face their struggles head on and persevere or am I teaching them to give up when it seems easier? I believe radical change won't take place until we as parents start to live out our convictions and our beliefs and show our children what a Godly marriage is all about. It starts in our home and it's our duty to know God's Word and to live it out to the best of our ability.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all marriages can be saved. I do believe that God can restore the unimaginable and that He can make the impossible happen. Sometimes, for whatever reason, a marriage has no other option but to end. My point is that we as individuals need to do our part in honoring our commitment and living according to God's Word. Too often we twist and turn the Word of God to suit our needs and desires instead of changing our desires to align with God's Word. We need to be obedient regardless of our situation and regardless of how we feel.

I have been very convicted this weekend of giving in to my emotions and distress instead of doing what I know is right in God's eyes. I have to release these emotions to God and stop dwelling on the negative over and over again. It is a vicious cycle and it needs to stop. I hope you are convicted and committed to obedience every time. God will bless those who are obedient.

Romans 5:19 NET "For just as through the disobedience of the one man many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of one man many will be made righteous."

Emotional Explosions

Well, my emotions have taken control this week. I'm not sure where or when the breakdown occurred but all I know is that for the past couple of weeks I have slowly allowed myself to lesson the hold on my emotions. At first, I'm not even aware this is happening but each day, little by little, my emotions start to seep out. Honestly, what's the big deal? So what if I'm feeling a bit emotional? After all I have been through this past year and half, don't I have a right to feel sad, angry, betrayed, disgusted, annoyed, bitter, resentful, hateful.... do you see the pattern...once my emotions are without restraint, the longer the list, the harder to handle, the easier to justify my own sinful actions.

I keep hearing the soft, gentle voice of my beloved Father, who constantly reminds me to be gentle in spirit, forgiving and merciful - to tame my tongue and to focus on that which is true & noble. Lord, how difficult it is to surrender to you instead of to my own selfish desires! Do I really feel better after giving my husband a tongue lashing? Am I really entitled to an emotional explosion whenever I "feel" like it? The answer of course is NO!

I wish I had an emotional remote control where I could mute my emotions so others couldn't hear it or I could adjust the "color" of my emotions to a more healthy outlet, or when it gets really ugly, I could just turn it off. Thankfully, I know in my heart that God is pruning me and changing me from the inside out. No matter what has happened to me or what I have experienced, it does not give me the "right" to unleash an emotional beast. God has called me and every Christian to a much higher standard whether we feel like participating or not. As women, we tend to be emotional and if we are not careful these emotions will cause us to sin. In the mist of our emotional explosions we not only hurt ourselves but everyone around us as well. Do I really want to be known as an emotional bomb waiting to detonate? Is this the best example of Christ I have for my children and my husband?

I have discovered this week that pride plays a big part in my emotional outbursts. My pride is wounded and for some reason it has decided to fester and ooze big time this week. I know the ointment and cure is the Word of God. I need to lay my pride at the feet of Jesus.

Living Life

Sometimes I feel so inadequate in everything I do. I guess it's kind of normal to feel this way and what I'm discovering is that more and more people I talk to have the same insecurities and feelings that I have. I don't know why I tend to think everyone else is more confident and secure in who they are and where they are. The reality is that most of us struggle with feelings of self doubt or insecurities and it's basically pointless to compare myself to anyone else.

As I float down this river of life I ponder what's around the bend. Will it be calm waters or roaring rapids? Will I be afraid or will I be exhilarated by the challenges up ahead? Will the waters be cold and invigorating or warm and comforting? I picture myself paddling down the river of life, smiling that I'm no longer where I was, eager to know where I'm going but content with where I am.

If I take it a step further, I want to be that girl who jumps in without hesitation, who tries new things without worry, and who trusts that the journey is more important than the destination. Live life to the fullest. Experience new things. Enjoy the life God gave me.